Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies.

"Sure!" says Bubba. "My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome.

Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.

Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened?"

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba?"

Finally, this merit/demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works. Remember, in the world of romance one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's how the game is played.

Here is a guide to the points system:

SIMPLE DUTIES

• You make the bed . . . +1
  • You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows . . . 0
  • You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets . . . -1
• You leave the toilet seat up . . . -5
  • You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty . . . 0
  • When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex . . .-1
  • When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom  . . . -2
• You go out to buy her extra-light panty liners with wings . . . +5
  • in the snow . . . +8
  • but return with beer . . . -5
  • and no liners . . . -25
• You check out a suspicious noise at night . . .  0
  • You check out a suspicious noise at night and it is nothing . . . 0
  • You check out a suspicious noise and it is something . . . +5
  • You pummel it with a six iron . . . +10
  • It's her cat . . . -40

AT THE PARTY

• You stay by her side the entire party . . .  0
• You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a College drinking buddy . . . -2
• Named Tiffany . . . -4
• Tiffany is a dancer . . . -10
• With implants . . .  -18

HER BIRTHDAY

• You remember her birthday . . . 0
• You buy a card and flowers . . . 0
• You take her out to dinner . . .  0
• You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar . . . +1
• Okay, it is a sports bar . . . -2
• And it's all-you-can-eat night . . . -3
• It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team . . . -10

A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

• Go with a pal . . . 0
• The pal is happily married . . . +1
• The pal is single . . . -7
• He drives a Ferrari . . . -10
• With a personalized license plate (GR8 NBED) . . . -15

A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

• You take her to a movie . . . +2
• You take her to a movie she likes . . . +4
• You take her to a movie you hate . . . +6
• You take her to a movie you like . . . -2
• It's called Death Cop3 . . . -3
• Which features Cyborgs that eat humans . . . -9
• You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans . . . -15

YOUR PHYSIQUE

• You develop a noticeable pot belly . . . -15
• You develop a pot belly & exercise to get rid of it . . . +10
• You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts . . . -30
• You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one, too." . . . -800

THE BIG QUESTION

• She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?"
• You hesitate in responding . . . -10
• You reply, "Where?" . . . -35
• You reply, "no, I think it's your butt" . . . -100
• Any other response . . . -20

COMMUNICATION

• When she wants to talk about a problem:
• You listen, displaying a concerned expression . . . 0
• You listen, for over 30 minutes . . . +5
• You relate to her problem and share a similar experience . . . +50
• You're mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying "well, what do you think I should do" . . . -50
• You listen more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. . . . +100
• She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep . . . -200

However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security, getting out and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas. 

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied: 

------ "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."