• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet pogroms."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in Meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital status: often. Children: various."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
• "Finished eighth in class of ten."
• "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

• St. Mom's Wort: Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.
• Empty Nestrogen: Highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
• Dumerol: Can cause dangerously low I.Q. causing enjoyment of country western music.
• Antiboyotics: When administered to teenage girls, is highly effective in improving grades, freeing up phone lines, and reducing money spent on make-up.
• Menicillin: Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases resistance to such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person."
• Buyagra: Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency and duration of spending spree.
• Extra Strength Buy-one-all: When combined with Buyagra, can cause an indiscriminant buying frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.
• Jack Asspirin: Relieves the headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
• Anti-talksident: A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.
• Ragamet: When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation as ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

"Normally I avoid discussing any advice received from my broker, but I felt this was important enough to share, and warn you since this explosive situation might prove to be yet another Worldcom.

"Please review any holdings you might have in the following stocks:

• American Can
• Interstate Water
• National Gas Company
• Northern Tissue Company

"Due to uncertain market conditions, we advise you to sit tight on your American Can, hold your Water, and let go of your Gas. You may be interested to know that Northern Tissue touched a new bottom today, and millions were wiped clean. It's a tough market out there. Be careful".

• ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing n the middle.
• BEAUTY PARLOR: A place where women curl up and dye.
• CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
• CHICKENS: The only creatures you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
• COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
• DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
• EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
• GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
• HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
• INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
• MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
• RAISIN: Grape with a sunburn.
• SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
• TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
• TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
• YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
• WRINKLES: Something other people have. I have character lines.