1. There are approximately 2 billion children in the world. Since Santa does not visit Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist children, this reduces the workload to 15 per cent of the total, or 378 million. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes.
    
2. Thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, Santa has about 31 hours to work with. This works out to 967.7 visits per second and a total trip of 75.5 million miles. So Santa's sleigh has to move at 650 miles per second.
    
3. Assuming that each child gets only a medium-sized Lego set (2lb), the sleigh is carrying more than 500,000 tons. A reindeer can pull no more than 300lb. Even if the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times that, Santa would need 360,000 of them. This increases the payload another 54,000 tons.
    
4. 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each; they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, creating deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or about the time Santa reaches the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa would be subjected to a centrifugal force of 17,500 Gs. A 250lb Santa (which seems ludicrously light) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015lb of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs.
    
5. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."

A few minutes later, the officer radioed in. "Disregard." He says. "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

• When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.
• Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.
• Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"
• Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"
• Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
• Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
• Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.
• Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.
• Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
• Ask, "Did you feel that?"
• Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"
• Swat at flies that don't exist.
• Tell people that you can see their aura.
• Call out, "Group Hug!"and then enforce it.
• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"
• Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
• Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
• Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"