• I thought that I could love no other
  Until, that is, I met your brother
   
• Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
  But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
   
• Of loving beauty you float with grace
  If only you could hide your face
   
• Kind, intelligent, loving and hot.
  This describes everything you're not
   
• I want to feel your sweet embrace
  But don't take that paper bag off your face
   
• I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
  Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
   
• My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
  Marrying you screwed up my entire life

• I see your face when I am dreaming
  That's why I always wake up screaming
   
• My love you take my breath away
  What have you stepped in to smell this way
   
• My feelings for you no words can tell
  Except for maybe "go to hell"
   
• What inspired this amorous rhyme?
  Two parts vodka, one part lime.

One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. 'He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says, "Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen.  You are truly a kind man.''

The friend replies: ''Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.''

• You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.
• You find yourself admiring a pair of pants at Sears.
• You no longer laugh at Preparation H commercials.
• You can live without sex but not without your glasses.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
• You use the phrase "newfangled" in a sentence.
• You have to introduce yourself at your class reunion...and you were the class president.
• You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
• You are proud of your lawnmower.
• You start singing along with elevator music.
• You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
• An old lady offers you her seat on the bus.
• You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
• The phone rings and you hope it's not for you.
• You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
• You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
• 8am is your idea of sleeping in.
• Your biggest concern when dancing is falling.
• You have a dream about prunes.
• People call you at 9 P.M. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
• Your bathing suit has sleeves.
• You play golf with your wife.
• You've worn out the TV Guide by Thursday.
• You don't like to drive after dark.
• You have more than two spare pair of glasses.
• You begin a sentence by saying, "When I was your age..."
• You wear black socks with sandals.
• You are alarmed at how young your doctor is.
• Nobody ever tells you to "Slow Down!"
• You name your hot water bottle.
• You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.
• You floss.
• Someone sees you naked and screams.
• You don't dare go out on New Year's Eve.
• You have seen Halley's Comet...twice.
• You can't sit still without falling asleep.
• People see your high school picture and laugh.
• You look forward to taking a bath.
• You find no humor in bladder control jokes.
• If you're seen running, someone should call the police.
• You get excited about jury duty.