Humor Additions for April 9th, 2004
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You Might Be A Redneck If ...
  • Your standard of living improves when you go camping.
  • Your prenuptial agreement mentions chickens.
  • You have jacked up your home to look for a dog.
  • You have a relative living in your garage.
  • Your neighbor asked to borrow a quart of beer.
  • There is a belch on your answering machine greeting.
  • You have rebuilt a carburetor while sitting on the commode.
  • None of the tires on your van are the same size.
  • You hold the hood of your car with your head while you work on it.
  • Your idea of getting lucky is passing the emissions test.
  • Your town put the new garbage truck in the Christmas parade.
  • Your local beauty salon also fixes cars.
  • Your doghouse and your living room have the same shag carpet.
  • You've ever slow danced in the Waffle House.
  • Starting your car involves popping the hood.
  • Your garbage man is confused about what goes and what stays.
  • You whistle at women in church.
  • You actually wear shoes your dog brought home.
  • You've been in a fistfight at a yard sale.
  • You carry a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach the kids in the back seat.
  • You think people who have cell phones and e-mail are uppity.

Submitted by Earl, Germantown, Md.

And least we forget ...

  • The tires on your truck cost more than the truck

Submitted by Richard, Baltimore, MD.
 

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A priest is walking down the street one day when he notices a very small boy ...

... trying to press a doorbell on a house across the street. However, the boy is very small and the doorbell is too high for him to reach. After watching the boys efforts for some time, the priest moves closer to the boy's position. He steps smartly across the street, walks up behind the little fellow and, placing his hand kindly on the child's shoulder leans over and gives the doorbell a sold ring.

Crouching down to the child's level, the priest smiles benevolently and asks, "And now what, my little man?"

To which the boy replies, "Now we RUN!"

Submitted by Linn, Hagerstown, Md.
 

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Two boys in Boston were playing basketball when one of them was attacked by ...

... a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy a ripped board off a near by fence, wedged it into the dog's collar and twisted it, breaking the dog's neck.

A newspaper reporter from the Boston Herald witnessed the incident and rushed over to interview the boy. The reporter began entering data into his laptop, beginning with the headline: "Brave Young Celtics Fan Saves Friend From Jaws Of Vicious Animal."

"But I'm not a Celtics fan, "the little hero interjected. "Sorry," replied the reporter. "But since we're in Boston, Mass, I just assumed you were."

Hitting the delete key, the reporter began "John Kerry Fan rescues Friend From Horrific Dog Attack."

"But I'm not a Kerry fan either," the boy responds.

The reporter says, "I assumed everybody in this state was either for the Celtics or Kerry or Kennedy."

"What team or person do you like? "

"I'm a Houston Rockets fan and I really like George W. Bush" the boy says. Hitting the delete key, the reporter begins again,

"Arrogant Little Conservative Delinquent Kills Beloved Family Pet."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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