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'Twas the bills after
Christmas
'Twas the day after Christmas, and all
through the house,
Every creature was hurtin', even the mouse.
The toys were all broken, their batteries dead;
Santa passed out, with some ice on his head.
Wrapping and ribbons just covered the
floor,
while upstairs the family continued to snore.
And I in my T-shirt, new Reeboks and jeans,
I went into the kitchen and started to clean.
When out on the lawn there arose such a
clatter,
I sprang from the sink to see what was the matter.
Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the curtains, and threw up the sash.
When what to my wondering eyes should
appear,
But a little white truck, with an oversized mirror.
The driver was smiling, so lively and grand;
The patch on his jacket said "U.S. POSTMAN."
With a handful of bills, he grinned like
a fox
Then quickly he stuffed them into our mailbox.
Bill after bill, after bill, they still came.
Whistling and shouting he called them by name:
"Now Dillard's, now Broadway's, now
Penny's and Sears
Here's Robinson's, Levitz's and Target and Mervyn's.
To the tip of your limit, every store, every mall,
Now charge away--charge away--charge away all!"
He whooped and he whistled as he
finished his work.
He filled up the box, and then turned with a jerk.
He sprang to his truck and he drove down the road,
Driving much faster with just half a load.
Then I heard him exclaim with great
holiday cheer,
"Enjoy what you got . . . you'll be paying all year!"
Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md
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You're An Extreme Redneck
When.....
- You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke
at the dinner table in front of her kids.
- The Blue Book value of your truck goes
up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
- You've been married three times and
still have the same in-laws.
- You think a woman who is "out of your
league" bowls on a different night.
- You wonder how service stations keep
their rest-rooms so clean.
- Someone in your family died right after
saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
- You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia
leader.
- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a
ceiling fan.
- Your junior prom offered day care.
- You think the last words of the
"Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
- You lit a match in the bathroom and
your house exploded right off its wheels.
- The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has
more teeth than your spouse.
- You have to go outside to get something
from the fridge.
- One of your kids was born on a pool
table.
- You need one more hole punched in your
card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
- You can't get married to your
sweetheart because there's a law against it.
- You think loading the dishwasher means
getting your wife drunk.
Submitted by Bill, Narberth, PA.
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Road Rage and the Perceptive
Policeman
A man was being tailgated by a stressed-out woman on a busy
boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of
him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even
though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through
the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in
frustration as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection with him. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a
tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious
police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her
hands up. He took her to the police station where she was
searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and
opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where
the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up
behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy
off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. I noticed
the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, the 'What Would Jesus Do'
bumper sticker, the 'Follow Me to Sunday School' bumper sticker
and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.
Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car."
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, PA
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Last pictures ever taken by the photographer ... Take 1
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Dec 24th Humor Page |
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