"President Bush announced he has a five-point strategy for getting out of Iraq. Points six through ten will be handled by the Kerry administration." -- David Letterman

"President Bush's campaign is now attacking John Kerry for throwing away some of his medals to protest the Vietnam War. Bush did not have any medals to throw away, but in his defense, he did have all of his service records thrown out." -- Jay Leno

"President Bush says in the last month he has created 300,000 new jobs. Yeah, they're called Kerry campaign workers." -- Craig Kilborn

"Is it me or is Bush going everywhere Kerry goes? So far in the past week, President Bush has followed John Kerry to Davenport, Iowa; New Mexico; Las Vegas; Los Angeles; and he follows him to Portland, Oregon....The only place he never followed John Kerry was Vietnam." --Jay Leno

"President Bush said that the people who are attacking our forces in Iraq are getting more and more desperate because we're making so much progress. So just remember, the worse it gets, the better it is." --Jay Leno

"As of yesterday, the Bush administration still hadn't found the source of the White House leak that outed a woman as a CIA operative. To recap, here are the things President Bush can't find: The source of the leak, weapons of mass destruction in Iraq, Osama bin Laden, the link between Saddam and Osama bin Laden, the guy who sent the anthrax through the mail, and his butt with two hands and a flashlight." -- Tina Fey, Saturday Night Live's "Weekend Update"

"The White House now has disputed allegations by members of the House Intelligence Committee that President Bush went to war with Iraq based on vague intelligence. Of course he did: EVERYTHING Bush does is based on vague intelligence." -- Jay Leno

"Bush is smart. I don't think that Bush will ever be impeached, 'cause unlike Clinton, Reagan, or even his father, George W. is immune from scandal. Because if George W. testifies that he had no idea what was going on, wouldn't you believe him?" -Jay Leno

"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's mule stumbled. My wife quietly said, 'That's once.'

We proceeded a little further and the mule stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, 'That's twice.'

We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the mule dead.

I started an angry protest over her treatment of the mule, when she looked at me, and quietly said, 'That's once.'

"And we lived happily ever after."

Submitted by Debbie, Middletown, Md.