My big brother Tom took me out on the stoop.

Then he sat me down, and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was something that I just had to know;

His look and his tone I will always remember,
When he told me of horrors... .come late in November.;

"Come about August, now listen to me, Each day you'll
get six meals instead of just three,

And soon you'll be thick, where once you were thin, And
you'll grow a big rubbery thing on your chin;

"And then one morning, when you're warm in your bed,
the farm wife comes in and hacks off your head;

"Then she'll pluck out your feathers so you're all bald
'n pink, And scoop out your innerds right there in the
sink;

"And then comes the worst part" he said...... I'm not
bluffing, "She'll spread your cheeks wide n' pack your
rear with stuffing".

Well, the rest of his words were too grim to repeat, I
sat on the stoop like a winged piece of meat,

And decided on the spot that to avoid being cooked, I'm
gonna lay low to remain overlooked

I began a new diet of nuts and granola, High-roughage
salads, carrot juice,... diet cola;

And as they ate pastries, chocolate, and crepes, I
stayed in my room doing Jane Fonda tapes;

I maintained my weight of two pounds and a half, And
act like i'm sick when the bigger birds laughed;

for 'twas I who was laughing, under my breath, As they
chomped and they chewed, ever closer to death;

And sure enough when late November rolled around, I was
the last turkey left walking around......

So now I'm a pet in the farmer's wife's lap; I haven't
a worry, so I eat...... and I nap;

She holds me all day, while sewing and humming, And
smiles at me, and says: "Christmas is coming"

• When a panel of doctors were asked to vote on building a new hospital in Washington County...
• The Allergists voted to scratch it.
• The Dermatologists preferred no rash moves.
• The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it but the Neurologist thought the administration had a lot of nerve, and the Obstetricians stated they were laboring under a misconception.
• The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted; the Pathologists yelled,"Over my dead body!", while the Pediatricians said, "Grow up!"
• The Psychiatrists thought it was madness; the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the Radiologists could see right through it!
• The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, but the Plastic Surgeon said, "That puts a whole new face on the matter!"
• The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn't hold water.
• The Anesthesiologists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.
• And in the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole who didn't give a crap!