• My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
• The best way to forget all your troubles is to wear tight shoes.
• The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don't know what you're doing, someone else does.
• The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
• Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
• Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
• I gave up jogging for my health... when my thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pantyhose on fire.
• Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing"
After casting about for a suitable pearl,
He kept messing around and created a girl.
Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,
Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.
Two lovely hips to increase his desire,
And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.
Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,
And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.
Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,
And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.
'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing  ...

Then he added a mouth, and ruined the whole damn thing.

"CBS has replaced Bob Schiefer with Katie Couric. Bob is gone so I am now the dullest man on CBS." --David Letterman

"Congratulations to Hugh Hefner who turned 80 years old over the weekend. One of his girlfriends told reporters he was like the creepy grandfather she never had. Hugh's at that awkward age. Too young to retire, too old to be dating any of those women." --Jay Leno

"Tonight a new version of 'The Ten Commandments' was shown right here on CBS. In this updated version Moses parts two cowboys." --David Letterman

"The scandal of the week for the White House is that Dick Cheney's main man Scooter Libby says that it was Bush himself who approved leaking classified information. I find that hard to believe, that President Bush is allowed to see classified information." --Bill Maher

"The Senate failed to reach a compromise on immigration legislation, which would have allowed illegal immigrants who have been in the U.S. longer than five years to remain, while those who have been here between two years and five years would have to leave, but could return as guest workers. And immigrants here less than two years will be right back with your entrees." --Tina Fey

"President Bush threw out the first pitch Monday at Cincinnati's great American ball park. Eighteen Iraqis were killed." --Amy Poehler

"In a speech President Bush accidentally referred to the Senate immigration bill as the Senate energy bill. Afterwards, the president apologized for his mistake and reminded everyone to support our brave troops in Norway." --Conan O'Brien

"Hurricane season is less than two months away. There's no joke here. I just wanted to give FEMA a heads up." --Jay Leno