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A guy was watching a couple of men
working along the roadside.
One man would dig a hole two or three
feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and
filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25
feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with
the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a trash
container and heading down the road toward the men.
"Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on
here with all this digging and refilling?"
"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of
the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not
accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his
shovel and wiping his brow.
"Normally there's three of us: me, Elmer and Leroy. I dig the hole,
Elmer sticks in the tree and Leroy, here, puts the dirt back. Now just
because Elmer's sick, that don't mean that Leroy and me can't work."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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The top 10 unintentionally worst
company URLs ... These are all real sites. . . .
Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a
business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to
look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you
think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the
following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products
and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough
consideration:
- A site called 'Who Represents' where you can
find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain
name? www.whorepresents.com
- Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where
programmers can exchange advice and views at
www.expertsexchange.com
- Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen
Island at www.penisland.net
- Then of course, there's the Italian Power
Generator company?
www.powergenitalia.com
- If you're looking for computer software,
there's always www.ipanywhere.com
- Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist
Church. Their website is
www.cummingfirst.com
- Then, of course, there's these brainless art
designers, and their wacky website:
www.speedofart.com
- Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their
brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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School Answering Machine
This is the message that the Pacific Palisades High
School (California) staff voted unanimously to record on their school
telephone answering machine. This is the actual answering machine
message for the school. This came about because they implemented a
policy requiring students and parents to be responsible for their
children's absences and missing homework. The school and teachers are
being sued by parents who want their children's failing grades changed
to passing grades - even though those children were absent 15-30 times
during the semester and did not complete enough schoolwork to pass their
classes.
The outgoing message:
"Hello! You have reached the automated answering
service of your school. In order to assist you in connecting to the
right staff member, please listen to all the options before making a
selection:
- To lie about why your child is absent - Press
1
- To make excuses for why your child did not do
his work - Press 2
- To complain about what we do - Press 3
- To swear at staff members - Press 4
- To ask why you didn't get information that
was already enclosed in your newsletter and several flyers mailed to
you - Press 5
- If you want us to raise your child - Pres s 6
- If you want to reach out and touch, slap or
hit someone - Press 7
- To request another teacher, for the third
time this year - Press 8
- To complain about bus transportation - Press
9
- To complain about school lunches - Press 0
- If you realize this is the real world and
your child must be accountable and responsible for his/her own
behavior, class work, homework and that it's not the teachers' fault
for your child's lack of effort: Hang up and have a nice day!
If you can read this - thank a teacher! If you
are reading it in English - thank a veteran!
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 17
"As you know President Bush is currently on
vacation in Texas. He said he's going to try and do absolutely nothing
for the next ten days. His advisors think this is the best way to bring
his approval rating up. Just don't do anything." --Jay Leno
"Meanwhile, as Pentagon officials continue
working on their plan to have Iraq hug it out, foreign entanglements
have left our army stretched to the breaking point. And last week it was
disclosed that poor equipment and insufficient training have left
two-thirds of both the Army and National Guard's combat force unready
for combat. To put that in context: For every G.I. Joe our army has, we
also have one Gomer Pyle and one Beetle Bailey." --Jon Stewart
"President Bush travelled to his ranch in Texas
for a ten-day vacation. The president said now is the perfect time to
take a vacation when everything in the world is running so smoothly."
--Conan O'Brien
"Remember America, we started with an armed
conflict. It's called the Revolutionary War, not the Revolutionary let's
all sit down and talk about our feelings. So I'm surprised to hear the
military can't find enough new recruits even after increasing the
maximum recruitment age to 41. I don't get it. Why aren't ageing baby
boomers jumping at the chance for an exciting second career? They've
even lowered the physical requirement. For a 17 year-old soldier the
requirements are 47 sit-ups and 35 push-ups but for a 41 year-old it's a
tough but fair 29 sit-ups and 24 push-ups. And eventually when they
start recruiting retirees, say by March 2007, elderly troops will
qualify with two stand-ups, five thumbs-ups, and a 2-minute complaint
about the salad dressing selection at Bennigans." --Stephen Colbert
"President Bush is beating the August heat the
same way he always does -- with a vacation on his ranch in Texas. He got
there yesterday. This will be his shortest vacation since he's taken
office. Usually he takes a full month, this time around because of the
wars and everything, only ten days. I guess he's saving up the personal
days so he can skip the last three months of his presidency." --Jimmy
Kimmel
"Earlier today President Bush made a speech
about immigration at the border between Texas and Mexico. There was an
awkward moment when an illegal immigrant interrupted Bush and said can
you give me directions to Dallas?" --Conan O'Brien
"The New York Times reported this story: on a
trip to Estonia Senators McCain and Hillary Clinton got into a
vodka-drinking contest. No, no, see that shows you how two sides can get
together. When a McCain and a Clinton can both end up acting like a
Kennedy. When Hillary asked him if he wanted to go out for a cold one,
Senator McCain said no thanks, I'm married." --Jay Leno
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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Cars you don't see very often
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY |
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August 9th Humor Page
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