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An Irishman finds a Genie lamp and rubs
it.
Out comes the Genie and asks, "Master
you have released me from the lamp and I grant you three wishes. What
would you like"
The Irishman scratches his head, then answers, "A bottle of beer that
never gets empty."
"Granted master" retorted the Genie and produced the bottle.
The Irishman was delighted and got drunk on this one magic bottle for
weeks, and then he remembered that he had two other wishes.
He rubbed the lamp again and the Genie appeared. "Yes master, you have
two more wishes, what would you like?"
"You know that magic, never-ending beer bottle" he asks the Genie.
"Well, for my final two wishes, I'd like two more of them."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire,
England
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You know its hot outside when ...
- The birds have to use potholders to
pull worms out of the ground.
- The trees are whistling for the
dogs.
- The best parking place is determined
by shade instead of distance.
- Hot water now comes out of both
taps.
- You can make sun tea instantly.
- You learn that a seat belt buckle
makes a pretty good branding iron.
- The temperature drops below 95 F (35
C) and you feel a little chilly.
- You discover that in August it only
takes 2 fingers to steer your car.
- You discover that you can get
sunburned through your car window.
- You actually burn your hand opening
the car door.
- You break into a sweat the instant
you step outside at 7:30 a.m.
- Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is,
"What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook
to death?"
- You realize that asphalt has a
liquid state.
- The potatoes cook underground, so
all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt and pepper.
- Farmers are feeding their chickens
crushed ice to keep them from laying boiled eggs.
- The cows are giving evaporated milk.
Submitted by Andy, Gettysburg, Pa.
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An 8-year-old girl went to her dad, who
was working in the yard.
She asked him, "Daddy, what is sex?"
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decides
that if she is old enough to ask the question, then she is old enough to
get a straight answer. He proceeded to tell her all about the "birds and
the bees."
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her
mouth hanging open. The father asked her, "Why did you ask this
question?"
The little girl replied, "Mom told me to tell you that dinner would be
ready in just a couple of secs."
Submitted by Cindy, Emmitsburg, MD.
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A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the
counter ... ...
and says, "Hi... You know, I just
HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."
The social worker behind the counter says, "Your
timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old
man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful nymphomaniac
daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply
all of your clothes.
Because of the long hours, meals will be
provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday
trips.You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a
two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The starting salary is $200,000
a year."
The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're kidding me!"
The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you
started it."
Submitted by Mary Jo,
Emmitsburg, Md.
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Great Moments in Presidential Speeches
- Download Video
Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
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A little French
humor on high gas prices ...
Submitted by Yves, Paris, France
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August 16th Humor Page
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