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A Mother's Dictionary ...
- Amnesia: Condition that
enables a woman who has gone through labor to make love again.
- Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would
care to order dessert.
- Family Planning: the art of spacing your
children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of
financial disaster.
- Feedback: The inevitable result when your
baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
- Full Name: What you call your child when
you're mad at him.
- Grandparents: The people who think your
children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising
them right.
- Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters
a dirty word.
- Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labor is
still vivid.
- Independent: How we want our children to be
as long as they do everything we say.
- Ow: The first word spoken by children with
older siblings.
- Puddle: A small body of water that draws
other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
- Show-off: A child who is more talented than
yours.
- Sterilize: What you do to your first baby's
pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on
it.
- Top Bunk: Where you should never put a child
wearing superman pajamas.
- Two Minute Warning: When the baby's face
turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
- Verbal: Able to whine in words.
- Whodunit: None of the kids that live in your
house...
- Weekend: When dad gets to play golf while mom
catches up on the laundry, cleans the house, runs errands, etc.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Found in an actual church
bulletin
- Positions open in soprano, alto, tenor and
bass. No others need apply.
- Physical Qualifications: Must be able to
carry light musical notes part way across the sanctuary. Must have
sufficient vision to see the director.
- Experience: No applications will be accepted
from persons who have not sung, hummed, or whistled in the bathtub or
shower at some time.
- Beginning Wage: Increased satisfaction and
joy in the service of God.
- Fringe Benefits: Social Security. We promise
you the security of social fellowship with other choir members.
- Hours: Thursday evenings from 7 to 8 PM &
Sunday mornings. There is occasional opportunity for overtime.
- Retirement: Generally determined by the
printed notes getting too small, the hymnal too heavy, notes too high,
the sanctuary too hot or too cold, or the organist unable to play the
notes you sing. We are an equal opportunity employer!
Submitted by John, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 13
"A few weeks after U.S. troops
dropped two 500-pound surprises on al-Zarqawi, the White House dropped a
190-pound surprise on U.S. troops in the form of a presidential visit.
Said the Iraqi prime minister to the president, 'If I knew you were
coming, I'd have built an infrastructure'" --Jon Stewart
"The White House planned the whole trip in total
secrecy. The prime minister of Iraq was not told. The press was not
told. Even President Bush was not told. In fact when he got off the
plane in Baghdad he said, 'Boy, Arizona is hot.'" --Jay Leno
"This is weird. The state of Texas has put
webcams on the Mexican border so people can sit at their home computers
and look for illegal aliens trying to cross into the U.S. The website is
free, but it costs $5 if you want the illegal aliens to talk dirty to
you." --Conan O'Brien
"Here's something bizarre. This is absolutely
true. They say when investigators were going through the rubble they
found women's lingerie -- a leopard teddy. So apparently al-Zarqawi's
not only a member of al Qaeda, he was a member of al-Kinky." --Jay Leno
"The Iraqi terror mastermind Abu Musab al-Zarqawi
is dead. Warm up the virgins. ... His successor is Abu Hamza al-Muhajer
and if anything happens to that guy? Russell Crowe." --David Letterman
"Last week the U.S. eliminated Iraq's number one
terrorist, Abu Musab al-Zarqawi. This week al Qaeda announced his
successor, Abu Hamza al-Muhajer. When asked why they chose him, an al
Qaeda spokesperson said, 'We have a lot of leftover stationary that
says, From the Desk of Abu.'" --Conan O'Brien
"Al Gore has a movie about global warming. It's
called An Inconvenient Truth. It's doing surprisingly well at the box
office. Even though it's only playing on like 80 screens, it actually
broke the 'Top Ten' list. I guess when you have charisma like Al Gore
has, people flock to you" --Jimmy Kimmel
"In a recent interview, Al Gore's wife, Tipper,
said she would support her husband if he decided to run for president
again. And she said, 'There's no way I'm sitting through his movie.'"
--Conan O'Brien
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A little boy was
attending his first wedding.
After the service, his cousin asked
him, "How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly. "How do you know
that?"
"Easy," the little boy said. "All you have to do is add it up, like the
Bishop said: 4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer"
Submitted by Sr. Wink, Younkers, NY.
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The checks of reparations for slavery arrived in the mail today ...
Download Video
Submitted by Al, Seattle, WA.
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When it's OK to spank your
kid ...
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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July 12th Humor Page
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