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Bubba went to a psychiatrist. Doc, he said, I've got trouble.
Every time I get into bed, I
think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!
Just put yourself in my hands for 1 year," said
the shrink. Come talk to me 3 times a week and we should be able to get
rid of those fears.
How much do you charge?
$80 per visit, replied the doctor.
I'll sleep on it, said Bubba.
Six months later the doctor met Bubba on the
street. Why didn't you ever come to see about those fears you were
having? asked the psychiatrist.
Well 80 bucks a visit 3 times a week for a year
is an awful lot of money a bartender cured me for $10. I was so happy to
have saved all that money I went and bought me a new pickup!
Is that so... And how did a bartender cure you?
He told me to cut the legs off the bed - ain't nobody under there now!
Submitted by Donna, Emmitsburg, Md.
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You are driving in a car at a constant
speed.
On your left side is a valley,
and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as
you.
In front of you is a galloping pig which is the
same size as your car, and you cannot overtake it. Behind you is a
helicopter flying at ground level. Both the giant pig and the helicopter
are also traveling at the same speed as you.
What must you do to safely get out of this
highly dangerous situation?
Answer: Get off the children's carousel and next
time, don't drink so much!
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.
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Recent Quips from Late Night - Take 12
"The flooding was so bad in
Washington that New Orleans Mayor Ray Nagin called the president and
said, 'You're on your own pal.'" --Jay Leno
"President Bush will not concede that global
warming may have something to do with this crazy weather though he has
been conducting all official business wearing floaties." --Jimmy Kimmel
"The Census Bureau revealed today that Las Vegas
is about to pass Washington, D.C. in population. The big difference
between Las Vegas and D.C., of course, is that in Las Vegas people
gamble with their own money." --Jay Leno
"He hasn't been affected by the rain. He's been
able to get around just fine on the presidential boogie board, Cowabunga
One." --Jimmy Kimmel
"Have you seen these huge rain storms all the
way from Minnesota to New York? Or as Al Gore is calling it, global
leaking." --Jay Leno
"Rush Limbaugh was detained at Palm Beach
International Airport today for alleged possession of prescription drugs
that didn't have his name on them. The news reports said he had
prescriptions with two different doctors' names on them. One of the
drugs was Viagra. Actually, the reason that he flies with Viagra is
because if helps to prevent the person sitting in front of him from
reclining his seat too far back." --Jimmy Kimmel
"A 140 year-old tree on the White House grounds
fell over. The minute the tree fell over President Bush wasted no time
in blaming it on the New York Times." --Jay Leno
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch.
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in
financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the
ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in Ft Worth so
that they can breed their own stock.
They only have $600 left.
Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister,
"When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to
drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects
the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he
will sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town
to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the
telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister
telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch
the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it
home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be
glad to help her, then adds, "It's just 99 cents a word".
We'll, after paying for the bull, the brunette
only has $1.00 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her
sister one word. After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, "I
want you to send her the word 'comfortable'".
The operator shakes his head. "How is she ever
going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup
truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your
ranch if you send her just the word
"comfortable?"
The brunette explains, "My sister's blonde. The
word's big.
She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
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Passing of the Royal Wind
It would seem that someone within the
"royal ranks" passed wind whilst on the balcony much to the amusement of
all.
Notice Betty's face in the first two photo's, then look at her final
expression in picture three.
How guilty does Phil look?
Also Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne,
Australia
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June 28th Humor Page
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