It's tryout time again, and as the title suggests, we’re looking for a few good parents to join our program. Teams will be selected based on the following criteria:

100 Yard Equipment Carry: Load the back of an SUV with 16 balls, 12 bicycle flags, one first aid kit, one bag of 44 scrimmage vests, one bag of cones, binder, and clipboard. This tryout activity evaluates a parent's willingness and ability to help the coach carry equipment from the parking lot to the field. Scoring (add/subtract all items which apply): +5 for carrying all the equipment to the actual field site, +3 for carrying approx. half the equipment, -2 for carrying equipment to the edge of the field but not to the location where the team will be training, -3 for dumping equipment just past the edge of the parking lot, +3 for carrying equipment without asking, +1 for asking "Need any help?", -10 for just walking by without asking or helping.

Goal Moving and Tent Construction: Equipment needed: Goals, tent and accompanying hardware.

Activity: Parent must move goal to requested area on field without soliciting the help of coach or players. If damage is incurred to field, -5pts. Second task, parent must assemble and raise the team tent in the shortest amount of time.

Variation (for advanced parents only): include additional unnecessary rods, nuts, bolts and other strange shaped hardware. Have parent assemble while wind machine is at the "Hurricane force" setting on the dial.

Direction Finding: Equipment needed: Printed directions to the location of a field in another city.

Activity: Parents must navigate to the specified field and arrive there by a set time. Points given for arriving there on or before the designated time. Points subtracted for arriving late or receiving speeding citations.

Bonus points given for noting the locations of a Laundromat, soccer equipment store, pizza parlor, ice cream store, and fast food facility near the field.

Variation (for advanced parents only): Deliberately introduce a typo in the directions, such as a game time of 2:00 AM, or "drive on Front Street for 11.4 miles" (instead of 1.4 miles).

Equipment Lineup: Distribute sports bags, water bottles, balls randomly in a 20 x 20 area. All equipment is marked with players' last names. On a given signal, the parent is to line up all the sports bags, left to right, by player last name. The corresponding water bottle and soccer ball is to be placed at each longitudinal end of the bag. Record the time. Style points given for neatness and cheerfulness. Points deducted if water bottles not matched correctly with bags and anyone notices that fact.

Variation: Line up bags by player birth date or by player genome type.

If tryout time is limited, pair parents up for this activity, though this will make overall scoring a little more difficult. Bonus points if you are paired with your spouse or significant other and are still speaking at the end of the event.

Phone Tree: Equipment needed: A list of phone numbers, a phone.

Activity: Parent is to call each number on the list and convey the fact that Tuesday's practice has been rescheduled to Wednesday, if it has rained 37 mm or more on Monday night; otherwise Tuesday's practice will occur one half hour earlier. Also the snack schedule has been shifted down one on the list.

Record the time required to reach all numbers on the list. +5 points for leaving a message on an answering machine, +3 for talking to an adult, -1 for talking to a non-adult, 0 points if no one answers. Extra credit if parent uses a reverse directory, drives over, pounds on door, and delivers message personally.

Schedule Organizing: Each parent receives a packet post it notes, napkins, envelopes, letters, notices, etc., each one containing information regarding soccer game and practice schedules, birthday parties, other athletic schedules, music lessons, school events for a player and his/her siblings. The parent must arrange all events in chronological order by sibling. Bonus points: +1 for using different colors for each sibling, +3 for assigning which parent has drop off / pick up responsibility for each event, +5 for forming a car pool schedule with other parents, -100 for complaining out loud about what a mess the soccer schedule is, -200 for getting together with the other parents to try and rearrange the soccer schedule to make it more convenient for the parent.

Sideline Behavior: Equipment needed: Virtual reality goggles, 3D body scanner.

Preparation: full 3-D body scan of each player, conversion of same into computer generated character.

Activity: each parent will be viewing a computer generated soccer game. The players in the game will include their own son or daughter, whose likeness has been scanned and made into a 3-D image. Each parent will be viewing a slightly different version of the game than that viewed by other parents. Players may suffer hard fouls, referee calls and non-calls, verbal taunts from opposing players and teammates, make brilliant plays as well as bonehead plays, score the winning goal, give up the winning goal, etc.

Evaluation: Observe parent reaction and verbal comments to the various events which occur during the course of the game. Pay particular attention to comments regarding the quality of coaching. Pass-Fail only.

Snacks: Equipment needed: Assortment of fruits, juices, candies, cookies, power bars, etc.

Activity: Parent must assemble a post-game snack from the above list of items. Points awarded based on nutritional content, how appetizing, and presentation. Points subtracted based on potential negative effects on players in the second half of the game, lack of nutritional content, and propensity to litter the environment.

And my personal favorite...

Gift Selection: Activity: Parents vie to produce the most elaborate, most expensive, and best gift ever for team coach.