"If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.

"If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.

"If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.

The other woman said, "That's awful. Doesn't it bother you?"

The first one said, "Not in the slightest."

Said the other woman, "You must be a saint!"

To which the first woman replied, "Why should I object? A lot of people don't like their own cooking."

While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking! for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband

And now, the REAL DEAL

• When you are tense, Let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
• When you are short tempered, l Let me teach you to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me!
• When you are short sighted, Let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
• When you are quick to react, Let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
• When you are angry, Let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don't feel like cantering on my right lead today!
• When you are worried, Let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
• When you feel superior, Let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
• When you are self absorbed, Let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember, I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
• When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 pounds of 'YAHOO LET"S GO" can do when suitably inspired.
• When you are lonely, Let me be your companion. Lets do Lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
• When you are tired, Don't forget the 600 pounds of grain that needs to be unloaded.
• When you are feeling financially secure, Let me teach you the meaning of Veterinary Services.
•  When you want to learn, hang around, I'll learn ya.

Sincerely, Your Horse