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I regret to inform you that, effective
immediately ... ...
I will no longer serve the States of Georgia, Florida, Virginia, north
and South Carolina, Tennessee, Mississippi, Texas, and Arkansas on
Christmas Eve.
Due to the overwhelming current population of
the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and
Elves Local 209. As part of the new and better contract I also get
longer breaks for milk and cookies so keep that in mind.
However, I'm certain that your children will be
in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third
cousin, Bubba Claus. His side of the family is from the South Pole. He
shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls;
however, there are a few differences between us.
Differences such as:
- There is no danger of the Grinch stealing
your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a
bumper sticker that reads:"These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
- Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus
prefers that children leave an RC cola and pork rinds [or a moon pie]
on the fireplace.. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little
snuff though, so please have an empty spit can handy.
- Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by
floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs instead of reindeer. I made the mistake
of loaning him a couple of my reindeer one time, and Blitzen's head
now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
- You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner
and Blitzen.." when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On
Earnhardt, on Andretti, on Elliott and Petty."
- "Ho, Ho, Ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!"
And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I her'd dat!"
- As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba
Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back
with the words "Back Off."
- The usual Christmas movie classics such as
"Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown
in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves
Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as
Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
And Finally,
- Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were
you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when
he bends over to put presents under the tree.
Sincerely Yours,
Santa Claus
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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More actual exchanges between
pilots and control towers
- Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10
o'clock, 6 miles!" Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital
watches!"
- Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn
right 45 Degrees." TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much
noise can we make up here?" Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise
a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
- A student became lost during a solo
cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on
radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?" Student: "When
I was number one for takeoff."
- A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had
an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower
Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway,
if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off
Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
- One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told
by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed.
The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the
Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio
and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with
a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like
yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
- While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport ,
the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong
turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground
controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771,
where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's
difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it
right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now
shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll
take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move
till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in
about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you,
when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications
frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air
2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in
her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick
was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the
silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you
once?"
Submitted by Jay, Long Island,
NY.
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When my sister Andrea got married, she
asked to wear my mother's wedding dress.
The day she tried it on for the first
time I was sitting with Mother in the living room as Andrea descended
the stairs. The gown was a perfect fit on her petite frame. Mother's
eyes welled with tears. I put my arm around her.
"You're not losing a daughter," I reminded her in time-honored fashion.
"You're gaining a son."
"Oh, forget about that!" she said with a sob. "I used to fit into that
dress!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A nude woman staring in the bedroom
mirror says to her husband ...
... "I feel absolutely horrible because I look fat
and ugly, so please pay me a compliment!"
The husband replies, "Well, your eyesight is
damn near perfect."
Submitted by my little sister
Anna, Narberth, Pa
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Who
needs a truck? take 1
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne,
Australia
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