• The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue. - Anonymous
• Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful. - Ann Landers
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. - Will Rogers
• There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face. - Ben Williams
• A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself. - Josh Billings
• The average dog is a nicer person than the average person. - Andy Rooney
• We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made. - M. Acklam
• Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate. -  Sigmund Freud
• I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. - Rita Rudner
• If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons. - James Thurber
• If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. - Unknown
• My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money. - Joe Weinstein
• Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - -  chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth! - Anne Tyler
• Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. - Robert A. Heinlein
• If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man. - Mark Twain
• You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'Wow, you're right! I never would've thought of that!' -  Dave Barry
• Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole. - Roger Caras
• If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. - Phil Pastoret

There were audible gasps around the table, then some laughter, as his older brothers shared their disbelief that he could handle this new situation. "Oh, come on, quit joking," snickered one. "You didn't really do that, did you?"

"You would never get through basic training," scoffed another.

The new recruit looked to his mother for help, but she was just gazing at him. When she finally spoke, she simply asked, "Do you really plan to make your own bed every morning?"

"A new season of 'Survivor' debuted tonight featuring the controversial idea of separating the tribes by race. The Asian tribe is called Puka Puka, the African-American tribe is called Manihiki, and the Caucasian tribe is called the Republicans." --Conan O'Brien

"General Colin Powell shocked a lot of people in Washington by speaking out against President Bush's policies, saying that the world is beginning to doubt the moral basis of our fight against terrorism. That's what I think he said -- it was hard to hear him because he was being hustled out of the room to his cell in Guantanamo Bay." --Jay Leno

"This week, President Bush said he has no plans to invade North Korea. Bush said, 'This time, Rumsfeld and I are going to wing it.'." --Conan O'Brien

"Happy Birthday to Fay Wray, a wonderful actress. She was, of course, in the movie 'King Kong' and would have been 99-years-old today. She was famous because of her love interest with a giant ape, and, wait a minute, that's Maria Shriver." --David Letterman

"The hot gossip in Washington is that Condoleezza Rice might have a new boyfriend. Secretary of State Rice is being linked to Canada's Foreign Minister, Peter MacKay. It's gotta be awkward dating a fellow diplomat. Like today, MacKay had to promise Condi he would get permission from the U.N. before he invaded her." --Jay Leno

"The U.S. House of Representatives passed a bill to build a 700-mile fence along the Mexican border. Apparently, the idea is to keep Mexicans from getting back home." --Conan O'Brien

"Big scandal on the new 'Survivor' series. The white, the black and the Hispanic teams were caught cheating off the Asian team." --Jay Leno

• "I'll tell you one thing, if things keep going the way they are, it's going to be impossible to buy a week's groceries for $20."
• "Have you seen the new cars coming out next year? It won't be long before $2000 will only buy a used one."
• "If cigarettes keep going up in price, I'm going to quit. A quarter a pack is ridiculous."
• "Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging a dime just to mail a letter?"
• "If they raise the minimum wage to $1, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store."
• "When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 29 cents a gallon. Gues s we'd be better off leaving the car in the garage."
• "Kids today are impossible. Those duck tail hair cuts make it impossible to stay groomed. Next thing you know, boys will be wearing their hair as long as the girls."
• "I'm afraid to send my kids to the movies any more. Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying 'damn' in 'Gone With The Wind,' it seems
• every new movie has either "hell" or "damn" in it.
• "I read the other day where some scientist thinks it's possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas "
• "Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $75,000 a year just to play ball? It wouldn't surprise me if someday they'll be making more than the president."
• "I never thought I'd see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric. They are even making electric typewriters now."
• "It's too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to work to make ends meet."
• "It won't be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work."
• "Marriage doesn't mean a thing any more; those Hollywood stars seem to be getting divorced at the drop of a hat."
• "I'm just afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business."
• "Thank goodness I won't live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes. I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to congress."
• "The drive-in restaurant is convenient in nice weather, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on."
• "There is no sense going to Lincoln or Omaha anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $15 a night to stay in a hotel."
• "No one can afford to be sick any more; $35 a day in the hospital is too rich for my blood."
• "If they think I'll pay 50 cents for a hair cut, forget it."