... which I had been told for years wouldn't give me any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try to run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5, and Playboy 6.9. Successive versions of Girlfriend 1.0 (i.e. 1.001 thru 1.999) proved no better!

I tried a shareware program, Slapper 2.1, but it had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually, I tried to run the new Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does at least come bundled with CleanHouse 2007.

Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 could be very unstable and extremely costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and E-mail filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and Whinge 2. Worse still, these latter products have no Help files, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.

Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly requiring Adobe ShoeShop, HandBag Searcher and Hairstyle Express, all of which need to be reinstalled every other week.

Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.

Wife 1.0 also comes with an irritating pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.

I've recently been tempted to install Mistress 2007, but I've heard there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2007 it tends to take total control of your IP address and then permanently locks you out while acquiring all of your shared resources.

Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
 

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After failing in all attempts to help him reign in this disturbing habit, his father one day gave him a bag of nails. "Listen, son," he said, "every time you lose your temper, go and hammer a nail in the fence. OK?"

The boy reluctantly agreed, and by the end of the day there were 37 nails in the fence. Over the next few weeks, this helped him control his anger, and the number of nails in the fence each day gradually dwindled. Finally the day came when not one nail had been hammered into the fence, and his father praised him, gave him a cuddle and suggested that he now pull one nail out for each day he was able to hold his temper in check. The days passed, and soon he was able to tell his dad that all the nails were gone.

Taking him by the hand, his father led him to the fence. "You have done well, my son, but… look at all the holes in the fence! It's never going to be the same, is it?"

"Well, no, I suppose it isn't," the boy replied.

"You see, son," his father went on, "when you say things in anger, they leave scars in the person you're angry with, just like the holes in the fence. You can put a knife in a person and then pull it out, and it won't matter how many times you say you are sorry, the wound is still there. And a wound caused by angry words is as bad a physical one. Sorry doesn't undo the hurt."

The boy had gone pale, and his eyes filled with tears.

" Friends," his father added, picking him up, "are very rare jewels. They make you smile, they encourage you, they lend an ear, and they want to open their hearts to you. Hurting them with anger makes them feel unwanted. You're my friend. I'm honoured. Will you be mine?"

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
 

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..., yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

• When I got fired, you were there to support me.
• When my business failed, you were there.
• When I got shot, you were by my side.
• When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
• When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck... get away from me."

Submitted by Ashley, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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"Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi is now in Iraq. She made a surprise visit to Iraq. Well, you thought Bush wanted to bomb the place before. ... She didn't say how long she'd be staying in Iraq. President Bush said he was against setting any timetables for Pelosi to return. He said to bring her back prematurely would send the wrong message." --Jay Leno

"Senator John Kerry went to the floor to make what he called an 'important and urgent announcement' [on screen: Kerry talking about a variety of things and concluding that he will not run for WH '08]. Unfortunately, this is another example of sloppy journalism. The media said this is Kerry announcing he will not run in 2008. In fact, this was Kerry simply completing his concession speech from 2004" --Jon Stewart

"In his State of the Union address, President Bush said our economy is on the move. It's moving to India, but hey." --Jay Leno

"John Kerry announced yesterday that he will not run for president in 2008, which leaves only several hundred Democratic candidates for president." --Jimmy Kimmel

"Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards -- you know, the man who always says there are two Americas -- is moving into a brand new, $6 million, 28,000-square foot home on 102 acres. Well, I think we know which America he's living in." --Jay Leno

"The president proposes a drastic measure [on screen: Bush proposing a special advisory council on the war on terror comprised of 'leaders in Congress from both political parties']. What? Both parties in an advisory role? I think they already have something like that. I think it's called Congress." --Jon Stewart

"Political experts say that Barack Obama drew record crowds in New Hampshire. Well sure, it's New Hampshire. They've never seen a black guy before." --Jay Leno

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md
 

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Computer Cartoons Take 3

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Feb 21st Humor Page