... and then was afraid to come down. The pastor coaxed, offered warm milk, etc.  The kitty would not come down. The tree was not sturdy enough to climb, so the pastor decided that if he tied a rope to his car and pulled it until the tree bent down, he could then reach up and get the kitten.

That's what he did, all the while checking his progress in the car. He then figured if he went just a little bit further, the tree would be bent sufficiently for him to reach the kitten. But as he moved the car a little further forward, the rope broke.

The tree went 'boing!' and the kitten instantly sailed through the air - out of sight.

The pastor felt terrible. He walked all over the neighborhood asking people if they'd seen a little kitten. No. Nobody had seen a stray kitten. So he prayed, 'Lord, I just commit this kitten to your keeping,' and went on about his business.

A few days later he was at the grocery store, and met one of his church members. He happened to look into her shopping cart and was amazed to see cat food. This woman was a cat hater and everyone knew it, so he asked her, 'Why are you buying cat food when you hate cats so much?'

She replied, 'You won't believe this,' and then told him how her little girl had been begging her for a cat, but she kept refusing. Then a few days before, the child had begged again, so the Mom finally told her little girl, 'Well, if God gives you a cat, I'll let you keep it.' She told the pastor, 'I watched my child go out in the yard, get on her knees, and ask God for a cat. And really, Pastor, you won't believe this, but I saw it with my own eyes. A kitten suddenly came flying out of the blue sky, with its paws outspread, and landed right in front of her.'

Never underestimate the Power of God and His unique sense of humor.

Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
 

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You can live in Phoenix, Arizona where.....

• You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
• You've experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
• You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
• You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
• You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
• The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You can Live in California where...

• You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
• The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
• You know how to eat an artichoke.
• You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
• When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
• The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought

You can Live in New York City where...

• You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
• You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
• You think Central Park is "nature."
• You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
• You've worn out a car horn.

6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You can Live in Maine where...

• You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
• Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
• You have more than one recipe for moose.
• Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
• The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You can Live in the Deep South where...

• You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
• "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
• "He needed killin'" is a valid defense.
• Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, MARY BETH, etc.

You can live in Colorado where...

• You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
• You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
• A pass does not involve a football or dating.
• The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You can live in the Midwest where...

• You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
• Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
• You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
• You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
• When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

AND You can live in Florida where..

• You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
• All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
• Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
• Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
• Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

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... I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great grandchildren in Boston. Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass!
• Last night my wife met me at the front door. She was wearing a sexy negligee. The only trouble was, she was coming home.
• A girl phoned me and said, "Come on over. There's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home!
• A hooker once told me she had a headache.
• I went to a massage parlor. It was self service.
• If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
• I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said, "No, I hate myself now."
• I knew a girl so ugly, they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
• My wife is such a bad cook, if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
• I'm so ugly I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
• My wife's such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer
• My wife is such a bad cook, in my house we pray after the meal.

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..., was trying to elicit from the youngsters rules that their parents might give before taking them to a nice restaurant.

"Don't play with your food," one second-grader cited.

"Don't be loud," said another, and so on.

"And what rule do your parents give you before you go out to eat?" the priest inquired of one little boy.

Without batting an eye, the child replied, "Order something cheap."

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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Also submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
 

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If your brain works normally this is neat.  This is another example of an amazing illusion!!! The last sentence is so true.

If your eyes follow the movement of the rotating pink dot, the dots will remain only one color, pink.

However if you stare at the black " +" in the center, the moving dot turns to green.

Now, concentrate on the black " + " in the center of the picture. After a short period, all the pink dots will slowly disappear, and you will only see only a single green dot rotating.

It's amazing how our brain works. There really is no green dot, and the pink ones really don't disappear. This sh ould be proof enough, we don't always see what we think we see.

Submitted by Jay, long Island, Ny.
 

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July 25th Humor Page