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| For months Bill had been Lynn's devoted admirer.
At long last he had collected sufficient courage to ask her the momentous question.
"There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor," Bill began, "but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as
an idol; whom one can treat as one's absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one's joys and sorrows."
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn's eyes. Then she nodded in agreement, "I think it's a wonderful idea! Can I help you pick the puppy?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Father Murphy walks into a pub in
Donegal, and says to the first man he meets... "Do you want to go to heaven?" The man said, "I do, Father."
The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."
Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply. "Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.
Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."
The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"
O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, Ny.
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| In case you find ourselves starting to believe all the anti-American sentiment and negativity ...
... you we should remember England 's Prime Minister Tony Blair's words during a recent interview. When asked by one of his Parliament members why he believes so
much in America , he said:
"A simple way to take measure of a country is to look at how many want in ... And how many want out." and ...
"Only two defining forces have ever offered to die for you: 1. Jesus Christ 2. The American G. I. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom."
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| This is how Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder manifests itself: I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide my car needs washing. As I
start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys
down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first. But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage
anyway, I may as well pay the bills first. I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking. I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see
that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye--they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover
my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter,
fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the Remote, but I
won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers. I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it
spills on the floor, so, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do. At the end of the day: The car isn't washed; The bills aren't paid; There is a warm can of Coke
sitting on the counter; The flowers don't have enough water; There is still only one check in my check book; I can't find the remote; I can't find my glasses; I don't remember what I did with
the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious
problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.
Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
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| Two college students, Frank and Matt, are riding on a New York City subway ...
... when a beggar approaches them asking for spare change. Frank adamantly rejects the man in disgust. Matt, on the other hand, whips out his
wallet, pulls out a couple of singles and gladly hands them over to the beggar with a smile. The beggar thanks him kindly and then continues on to the other passengers.
Frank is outraged by his friend's act of generosity.
"What on earth did you do that for?" shouts Frank, "You know he's only going to use it on drugs or booze."
Matt replies, "And we weren't?"
Submitted by Paul, Oklahoma City, OK
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Tire changing safety ... Download Video 1, Video 2,
Video 3 Also submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Florida
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What is the first thing a blonde does after a bad car accident?
- Turn off the ignition? No
- Get away from the car in case it explodes? No
- Call 911 on her cell phone? No ...
Submitted by Jamie, Frederick, Md.
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March 14th Humor Page
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