|
|
|
| |
| Two old guys, Rodger and Chuck, met in
the park every day to feed the pigeons... ..., watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day
Rodger didn't show up.
Chuck didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Rodger hadn't shown up for a week or so, Chuck really got worried.
However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park Chuck didn't know where Rodger lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.
A month had passed, and Chuck figured he had seen the last of Rodger. But one day, Chuck approached the park and lo and behold there sat Rodger!
Chuck was very excited and happy to see him and told him so.
Then he said, "For crying out loud Rodger, what in the world happened to you?"
Rodger replied, "I have been in jail."
"Jail?" cried Chuck. "What in the world for?"
"Well," Rodger said, "You know Judy, that cute little waitress at the coffee shop?"
"Yeah," said Chuck, "I remember her. What about her?"
"Well, one day she filed rape charges against me and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded guilty.
The Judge gave me 30 days for perjury."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, List of Jokes
About Aging, My Little
Sister's Jokes
,
|
|
| Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge and obviously heavy suitcases... ...
when a stranger walks up to him and asks "Have you got the time?"
Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases and glances at his wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.
"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the stranger.
Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this out" - and he shows him a time zone display not just for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest metropolises. He hits a
few buttons and from somewhere on the watch a voice says "The time is eleven 'til six" in a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the same voice says something in Japanese. Jake
continues "I've put in regional accents for each city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the voice is simply astounding.
The stranger is struck dumb with admiration.
"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot shows our location by satellite
positioning," explains Jake. "View recede ten", Jake says, and the display changes to show eastern New York state.
"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.
"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this", and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a very creditable little FM
radio receiver with a digital tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to 125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and, most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I only have 32 of my favourites in there so far" says Jake.
"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.
"No, you don't understand; it's not ready..."
"I'll give you $1000 for it!"
"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."
"I'll give you $5000 for it!"
"But it's just not .,,"
"Look, I'll give you $15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls out a cheque book.
Jake stops to think. He's only put about $8500 into materials and development, and with $15,000 he can make another one and have it ready for merchandising in only six months.
The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to you right here and now. $15,000. Take it or leave it."
Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK", he says, and peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the stranger starts happily away.
"Hey, wait a minute", calls Jake after the stranger, who turns around warily. Jake points to the two heavy suitcases he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus station. "Don't forget your
batteries.
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD.
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, Clean Joke List, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
|
|
| One day a farmer's donkey fell down into a well.
The animal cried piteously for hours as the farmer tried to figure out what to do. Finally, he decided the animal was old, and the well needed to be
covered up anyway; it just wasn't worth it to retrieve the donkey.
He invited all his neighbours to come over and help him. They all grabbed a shovel and began to shovel dirt into the well. At first, the donkey realized what was
happening and cried horribly. Then, to everyone's amazement he quieted down. A few shovel loads later, the farmer finally looked down the well. He was astonished at what he saw. With each
shovel of dirt that hit his back, the donkey was doing something amazing. He would shake it off and take a step up.
As the farmer's neighbours continued to shovel dirt on top of the animal, he would shake it off and take a step up. Pretty soon, everyone was amazed as the donkey
stepped up over the edge of the well and happily trotted off!
Life is going to shovel dirt on you, all kinds of dirt. The trick to getting out of the well is to shake it off and take a step up. Each of our troubles is a
steppingstone. We can get out of the deepest wells just by not stopping, never giving up! Shake it off and take a step up.
Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
- Free your heart from hatred - Forgive.
- Free your mind from worries - Most never happen.
- Live simply and appreciate what you have.
- Give more.
- Expect less
NOW .......... (here comes the cynic)
The donkey later came back, and bit the farmer who had tried to bury him. The gash from the bite got infected and the farmer
eventually died in agony from septic shock.
MORAL FROM TODAY'S LESSON: When you do something wrong, and try to cover your ass, it always comes back to bite you.
You have two choices...smile and close this page, or pass this along to someone else to spread the fun.
Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, List
of Inspirational Stories, My Little
Sister's Jokes,
|
|
| The heaviest element known to science
The recent hurricanes and gasoline issues are proof of the existence of a new chemical element. A major research institution has recently announced the discovery in
2006 of the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element has been named Governmentium.
Governmentium (Gv) has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of
Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take over four days to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy
neutrons exchange places. In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical
quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalyzed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium -- an element which radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but
twice as many morons
Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
|
|
Return to: Top
of Page, List of Jokes
about Work, My
Little Sister's Jokes,
|
|
|
|
All Wheel Drive - Download Video
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed
|
|
|
Happy Sunset ...
Submitted by Olen, Robertsdale, Al
. |
|
Return to: Top of Page, List of Photos, My Little Sister's Jokes,
|
|
|
Nov 14th Humor Page
|
|