... by her teacher to write a story on "Where my family came from." The purpose was to understand your genealogy.

I was not aware of her assignment when she asked me at the dining room table one night, "Grandma, where did I come from?" I responded quite nervously because my son and daughter-in-law were out of town and I was stalling until they returned home, "Well, honey, the stork brought you."

"Where did Mom come from then?"

"The stork brought her, too."

"OK, then where did you come from?"

"The stork brought me too, dear."

"Okay, thanks, Grandma."

I did not think anything more about it until two days later when I was cleaning Ann's room and read the first sentence of her paper, "For three generations there have been no natural births in our family."
 

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One day, on board a train, he was unable to find his ticket. The conductor said, "Take it easy. You'll find it."

When the conductor returned, the professor still couldn't find the ticket. The conductor, recognizing the famous scientist, said, "I'm sure you bought a ticket. Forget about it."

"You're very kind," the professor said, "but I must find it, otherwise I won't know where to get off."

Submitted by Audrey, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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• A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
• A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
• A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
• A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
• A snail can sleep for three years.
• Almonds are a member of the peach family.
• An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
• Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
• February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
• In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
• If the population of China walked past you, 8 abreast, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
• Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
• Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite!
• Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
• The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
• The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
• The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
• The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
• There are more chickens than people in the world.
• Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
• Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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"During a recent speech, President Bush said, 'My job is a decision-making job. As a result, I have made a lot of decisions.' Apparently, Bush's decision that day was to write his own speech." --Conan O'Brien

"Today is Columbus Day. Or, as Native Americans call it, 'Illegal Immigration Day.'" --Jay Leno

"Republican presidential candidate Fred Thompson is being criticized for being out of touch, because in a recent interview, he talked about strengthening our relationship with the Soviet Union. Which, of course, no longer exists. Thompson says he feels bad about the mistake and he plans to personally apologize to Stalin." --Conan O'Brien

"The Chicago Cubs were swept by the Arizona Diamondbacks. Do you realize Arizona wasn't even a state the last time the Cubs won the World Series? To give you an idea of how long ago that was, Fred Thompson was still married to his first wife." --Jay Leno

"They were celebrating Columbus Day down in Washington, DC, and President Bush was apparently a little confused. Earlier today, he pardoned a lasagna." --David Letterman

"President Bush on Wednesday vetoed a bipartisan bill that would have dramatically expanded children?s' health insurance. Explained the president, 'I hate kids.'" --Seth Meyers

"According to a poll, Bill Clinton has emerged as an asset in his wife's campaign, with 60% of Americans saying they would be comfortable with him as first husband. While 71% of women say they'd be extremely comfortable with him as a second husband." --Amy Poehler

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it. This morning, the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I'd locked the house with both house and car keys in side and had to break a window to get my keys. "Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire." "When I finally got to the store, a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people.

All the time, the darn phone was ringing of f the hook." He continued, "Then, I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels, and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it. Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And believe me mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her.

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Coffee Art ... You can't do this with a Tea Bag!

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed. 

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Oct 15th Humor Page