... a flight was delayed due to a mechanical problem. Since they needed the gate for another flight, the aircraft was backed away from the gate while the maintenance crew worked on it. The passengers were then told the new gate number, which was some distance away. Everyone moved to the new gate, only to find a third gate had been designated for them.

After some further shuffling, everyone got on board, and as they were settling in, the flight attendant made the standard announcement, 'We apologize for the inconvenience of this last-minute gate change. This flight is going to Washington, D.C. If your destination is not Washington, D.C., then you should 'deplane' at this time.'

A very confused-looking and red-faced pilot emerged from the cockpit, carrying his bags. 'Sorry,' he said, wrong plane.'

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• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
• There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
• You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
• Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
• Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

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I Leave:

• To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
• To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
• To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
• To my neighbor: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
• To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
• To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
• To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
• To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
• To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.

And lastly

• To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations."

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By the time you read through this You will Understand "TENJOOBERRYMUDS"...

In order to continue getting-by in America (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".  With a little patience, you'll be able to fit right in. Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old U S A today......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... don't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'judo wan sahn toes' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!!&nb sp; I've got it! You were saying 'toast'... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... and that's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy ... rye??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS' "..... and you do don't you!

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, a man spotted a friend of his sitting on the steps outside, sobbing loudly with his head buried in his hands. "What's the matter?" he asked the bloke. "Did your lawyer give you bad advice?"

"No - it's worse than that," replied the friend between sobs, "he sold it to me!"

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Everyone thinks they can play the piano...

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia.
 

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Sept 14th Humor Page