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| Excerpts from real British Military writes Officer Fitness Reports.
The form used for Royal Navy and Marines fitness reports is the S206. The following are actual excerpts taken from people's "206's"....
- His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of curiosity.
- I would not breed from this Officer.
- This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't-be.
- When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.
- He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.
- He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.
- Technically sound, but socially impossible.
- This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope always spinning around at a frantic pace, but not really going anywhere.
- This young lady has delusions of adequacy.
- When he joined my ship, this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.
- Since my last report he has reached rock bottom, and has started to dig.
- She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.
- He has the wisdom of youth, and the energy of old age.
- This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.
- In my opinion this pilot should not be authorized to fly below 250 feet.
- The only ship I would recommend this man for is citizenship.
- Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap
- This man is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.
- Only occasionally wets himself under pressure.
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| A man decided to decorate his bedroom. He wasn't sure how many rolls of wallpaper...
... he would need but he knew that the Irishman who lived next door had recently done the same job and the two rooms were identical in size.
"Murphy," he asked, "How many rolls of wallpaper did you buy for your bedroom?"
"Ten" said Murphy.
So the fellow bought the ten rolls of paper and did the job. It looked wonderful, but he had 2 rolls of wallpaper left over.
"Murphy," he said. "I bought ten rolls of wallpaper for the bedroom, but I've got 2 left over!"
"Dat's funny," said Murphy. "So did I."
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, MD
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Good Advice Military Style
- "Aim towards the Enemy." Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
- "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." USAF
- "When the enemy is in range, so are you." Infantry Journal
- "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." U.S. Air Force Manual
- "Tracers work both ways." U.S. Army Ordnance
- "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." USAF
- "Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base
Kadena,Japan
- "You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
- "The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
- "Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." --From an old carrier sailor
- "If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -and therefore, unsafe."
- "When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| One day, three men rushed their wives into the Emergency Room for labor.
After a while, the doctor came out and said, "Mr. Smith, Mr. Smith, are you here?"
"Yes doctor, im right here," he said anxiously.
"Great news," explained the doctor, "Twins!"
"Wow, that’s great, because I work for the Double Mint company."
About five minutes later, the doctor came out and yelled, "Mr. Jones, Mr. Jones, are you hear?"
"I'm right here Doc," he said.
"Mr. Jones, great news, triplets!"
"Spectacular!" he said. "Because I work for 3M."
A while later, the doctor came out again and said, "Mr. Ford, Mr. Ford, are you here?"
"Right here docta," he said.
"Wonderful news! It's-"
"Wait a minute!" the man said. "I ain't stickin' around for this! I work at the 7-11."
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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The Engineer's Song (Sung to the Tune of the Beverly Hillbillies)
Come and listen to a story bout a man named Jed,
A poor College Kid barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
He said "They'll pay ya big bucks if ya work on a computer",
Unix that is ... hard drives ... workstations;
Well the first thing ya know ol' Jed's an Engineer,
The kinfolk said "Jed move away from here",
They said "Arizona is the place ya oughta be",
So he bought some donuts and moved to Ahwatukee,
Intel that is ... dry heat ... no amusement parks;
On his first day at work they stuck him in a cube,
Fed him more donuts and sat him at a tube,
They said "Your project's late but we know just what to do,
Instead of 40 hours, we'll work you fifty-two!"
OT that is ... Unpaid ... Mandatory
The weeks rolled by and things were looking bad,
Some schedules slipped and some managers were mad,
They called another meeting and decided on a fix,
The answer was simple, "We'll work him sixty-six"
Tired that is ... Stressed out ... No social life
Months turned into years and his hair was turning gray,
Jed worked hard while his life slipped away,
Waiting to retire when he turned sixty-four,
Instead he got a call and they escorted him out the door,
Laid-off that is ... Debriefed ... Unemployed ...
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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| Even a wee bit of smoke will get ye! - Download Video
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
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Maybe you haven't seen it all ...
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed. Return to: Top of Page,
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April 23rd Humor Page
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