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How To Get Your Self Noticed At Your Class Reunion
- You hire two teenagers, give them pads of paper and a pencil who shriek for your autograph when you enter the room.
- You bring in boxes of your latest best selling book, all signed, to give out to everyone in the room.
- You hire someone who constantly calls you on the house phone and says he?s Barack, or John, or George, or Hillary, or Donald, or Brad Pitt or?.
- You begin a s?nce just before you slurp your soup.
- Bill Kurtis runs into the room and says, "I?ve just discovered something---you!" It is complete with camera crew and director. You just sit in your padded Gucci chair.
- When someone wants to see pictures of your family, you whip out your LCD mini television with the software ready-to-go!
- You return all of the beef brisket, saying that your chef has instructed you not to eat anything served under 140 degrees Fahrenheit?Say it LOUD!
- You have everyone in the room included in a video hook-up of Letterman doing a top-ten list about your class.
- Looking down at your diamond-studded shoes, you shriek halfway through the meal and exclaim that there is one diamond missing. Watch everyone go scrambling.
- Demand a standing ovation when you leave.
Submitted by Bruce, Carol Stream, Illinois
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| The irate customer calling the newspaper office... ... loudly demanded to know where her Sunday edition was.
Ma'am, said the employee, today is Saturday. The Sunday paper is not delivered until Sunday.
There was quite a pause on the other end of the Phone, followed by a ray of recognition.
'I'll bet that's why no one was in church today too.'
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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| Recent Quips from Late Night "I watched that new reality show on ABC with Charlie Gibson, 'America's Next Top Vice President.' ... Oh, what an exciting show that is! Did you see Sarah Palin's interview with Charlie Gibson? Did you
all watch that? In fact, John McCain was watching it at home, and at one point, he turned to his wife and said, 'She looks really familiar.'" --Jay Leno
"The other day John McCain appeared on the show 'The View,' and one of the hosts accused McCain of being a liar. Yeah, she may have a point, because McCain started the interview by saying, 'Ladies, you look beautiful.'" --Conan O'Brien
"I mean, look how she handles Geppetto here from the Folksy Wood Carver network [on screen: Palin's interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson. In this segment, he asks her about the Bush doctrine]. Yeah, whatever, Charlie. Do you know what the Bush doctrine is? I don't think Bush knows what the Bush doctrine is. The point
is this, she doesn't need to know the Bush doctrine. She is the Bush doctrine. Her foreign policy experience consists of being able to see Russia from an island in Alaska. And a refuelling layover in Ireland. Now that might give some people who are asked to be vice president, pause. But we have a word for those kinds of people. Communists
[on screen: Palin saying she didn't blink when accepting the vice presidential slot]. Total certainty would be such a refreshing change of pace in the White House." --Jon Stewart
"For some reason, the Secret Service revealed this, that Sarah Palin's Secret Service code name is 'Denali.' Turns out 'Denali' is an old Eskimo name that means 'Dan Quayle.'" --Jay Leno
"On Election Day, Ralph Nader will appear on the presidential ballot in only 45 states. Yeah, Nader said, this is really disappointing, I wanted to embarrass myself in all 50 states. That was the plan." --Conan O'Brien
"Now, of course, we all know that John McCain has said that as governor, Sarah Palin requested no earmarks. It turns out it's almost true. The senator was only off by $453 million [on screen: Gibson outlining Palin's earmark requests, including $2 million to learn more about crab mating habits]." Jon Stewart
"And despite all the animosity in this campaign, you know, John McCain and Joe Biden are actually old friends from the Senate. They've been friends for years. In fact, they go back so far that when they first met, McCain had hair, and Joe Biden didn't." --Jay Leno
"This weekend in New York City, gays and lesbians staged a protest, demanding the right to get married. When he heard this, President Bush said, 'Wait a minute, now gays want to marry lesbians?'" --Conan O'Brien
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A client called to report an accident and ask if her insurance rates would go up.
"Our underwriting department determines that", I said. Then I asked for her license number. Verifying her information, I asked, "NMF? Is that N as in Nancy, M as in Mary, and F as in Frank?"
"Well... yes," she said. "But could you please tell your underwriters that it's also N as in Not, M as in My, and F as in fault?"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Why Dogs Are Better Than Kids
- It doesn't take 45 minutes to get a dog ready to go outside in the winter.
- Dogs cannot lie.
- Dogs never resist nap time.
- You don't need to get extra phone lines for a dog.
- Dogs don't pester you about getting a kid.
- Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the mashed potatoes.
- Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.
- Your dog is not embarrassed if you sing in public.
- Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42
- Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Before it is too late! ... Download Video Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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How to Tell If Mom Likes You Best ![[]](../../../pictures/2008/mom_likes_me_best.jpg)
Submitted by Bob, Rockville, Md.
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Sept 24th Humor Page
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