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"What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.

Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand. "Yes Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.

Davey replied, "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."

"Why is that Davey?" asked the Scout Master.

"Well," answered Davey, " the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration."

"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.

Davey replied, "Well, Sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten'."
 

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He sits the octopus down on a stool and tells everyone in the bar that this is a very talented octopus. He says that it can play any musical instrument in the world.

Everyone in the bar laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he will wager $50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can't play.

A guy walks up with a guitar and sets it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Jimi Hendrix. The guitar man pays up his $50.

Another guy walks up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays the trumpet better than Miles Davis. This guy pays up his $50.

Then a Scotsman walks up with some bagpipes. He sits them down and the octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look. "Ha!" the Scot says. "Can ye nae plae it?"

The octopus looks up at him and says, "Play it? I'm going to take her up to my boudoir as soon as I get her pajamas off!"

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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... and their married life had not been anything to brag about either. But when, after they had been lived together for thirty-five years, Edwin went to the local judge to ask for an annulment, the whole of Middleton gasped with amazement.

"It's like this, your Honor," answered Bubba. "I've just learned that Cheryl's father never had a license to carry a gun."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Pigs can cover a mile in 7.5 minutes when running at top speed.
• You breathe about 10 million times a year.
• The colder the room you sleep in, the better the chances are that you'll have a bad dream.
• The first non-human to win an Oscar was Mickey Mouse.
• Lee Harvey Oswald was booked with mugshot number 54018.
• The Gulf Stream could carry a message in a bottle at an average of four miles per hour.
• The bulls-eye on a dartboard must be 5 feet 8 inches off the ground.
• The foot is the most common body part bitten by insects.
• The most common time for a wake up call is 7 a.m.
• The doorbell was invented in 1831.
• The electric shaver was patented on November 6, 1928.
• Japan is the largest exporter of frog's legs.
• There are seven points on the Statue of Liberty's crown.
• The shell constitutes 12 percent of an egg's weight.
• A squid has 10 tentacles.
• A snail's reproductive organs are in its head.
• A cow's only sweat glands are in its nose.
• The world "and" appears 46,277 times in the Bible.
• The telephone's U.S. patent number is 174 465.
• There are 17 steps leading up to Sherlock Holmes' apartment.
• When a horned toad is angry, it squirts blood from its eyes.
• Napoleon was terrified of cats.
• The typical American eats 263 eggs a year.
• The fastest growing nail is on the middle finger.
• The human body weighs 40 times more than the brain.
• A person swallows approximately 295 times while eating dinner.

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Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
 

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April 22nd Humor Page