..., but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, "Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake."

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom ... a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, "What a beautiful cake!"

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

"Thank you, I baked it myself."

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... when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him. The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome. They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five bucks a hole?" The first fellow said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, and while counting his $80.00, the second guy confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers. The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro got all flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money. The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation. And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them for free...."

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You Know that Your Summer Vacation is Bad when:

• The high point so far is when the air conditioner in your house got fixed.
• First day of vacation and everyone comes down with dysentery.
• You favorite home ball team transfers to Paducah.
• The grubs ate your lawn, the rabbits ate your garden and your gross Uncle Herby comes to live with you as a summer houseguest.
• Your sixteen year-old daughter ran off with the Panamanian gardener, so did your son.
• Your allergies kicked in big time, you find out that you are especially allergic to Johnsonville Brats and beer.
• Your favorite ice cream stand was torched by a local terrorist. It was due to ice cream wars from the Dairy Drip across town.
• You found out too late that during the high dive in front of your neighborhood, that your swim trunks have a rip in the front
• The dog is eating grass again. He demonstrated this in front of your dinner party in the middle of your living room.
• You cannot get out of that trip you booked three years ago to exciting and unpredictable Aruba.

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• Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool at the other.
• Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through "the minds of either".
• Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
• Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
• Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine water-power .
• Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
• Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
• Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
• Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
• Etc.: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
• Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
• Experience: The name men give to their mistakes.
• Philosopher: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
• Opportunist: A person who starts taking a bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
• Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel Tower says midway "See I am not injured yet."
• Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, Instead of the first letter in word OPPORTUNITY.
• Boss: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
• Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
• Doctor: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
• Computer Engineer: Someone who gets paid for reading these type of mails.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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First line, and the least romantic second line:

• My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
  Marrying you has screwed up my life.
   
• I see your face when I am dreaming.
  That's why I always wake up sweating and screaming.
   
• Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
  This describes everything that you are not.
   
• I thought that I could love no other
  -- that is until, I met your brother.
   
• Roses are red, violets are blue,
  sugar is sweet, and so are you.
   
• But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
  the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
   
• I want to feel your sweet embrace;
  But don't take that paper bag off of your face.
   
• I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
  Damn, I'm good at telling you lies! 
   
• My love, you take my breath away.
  What have you stepped in to smell this way?
   
• What inspired this amorous rhyme?
  Two parts vodka, one part lime.

Who said poetry is boring?

Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
 

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Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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It only takes few hours and a bored person to make someone's Monday morning miserable ...

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August 9th Humor Page