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Wisdom from Grandpa...
- When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
- If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.
- On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past but never the present.
- A foolish husband says to his wife, "Honey, you stick to the washin', ironin', cookin', and scrubbin'. No wife of mine is gonna work."
- The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.
- Many girls like to marry a military man he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he's already used to taking orders.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.
- I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
- Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today, it's called golf.
- Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
- The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.
- Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want to people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
- How old would you be if you didn't know how old you are?
- When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.
- You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
- One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.
- One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.
- Ahh, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
- Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don't recognize you.
- If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.
- First you forget names, then you forget faces. Then you forget to pull up your zipper, then...Oh, my goodness, you forgot to pull your zipper down!
- If you jog in a jogging suit, lounge in lounging pajamas, and smoke in a smoking jacket, WHY would anyone want to wear a windbreaker??
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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About Aging, My Little
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You Know You Need A New Lawyer When:
- The prosecutor sees your lawyer in the hall, and they highfive each other.
- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.
- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser."
- He picks the jury by playing "duckduckgoose."
- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.
- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.
- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.
- Just before he says "Your Honor," he makes those little quotation marks in the air with his fingers.
- Whenever his objection is overruled, he tells the judge, "Whatever."
- He giggles every time he hears the word "briefs."
- He keeps citing the legal case of Godzilla v. Mothra.
- He begins closing arguments with, "As Ally McBeal once said..."
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My 14-year-old daughter, Maggie, and her best friend, Joannie are fans of 60's music.
They recently got front row tickets to attend a Peter, Paul, and Mary concert in our town.
When they returned home from the concert that night, I wanted to hear all the details of the concert. My daughter says, "Mom, during the show, we looked back an saw hundreds of little lights swaying to the music. At first we thought people were holding up cigarette lighters. Then we
realized that the lights were the reflections off all the eyeglasses in the audience!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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In 1923, Who Was...?
- President of the largest steel company?
- President of the largest gas company?
- President of the New York Stock Exchange?
- Greatest wheat speculator?
- President of the Bank of International Settlement?
- Great Bear of Wall Street?
These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their days.
Now, 82 years later, history tells us what ultimately became of them.
The Answers:
- The president of the largest steel company. Charles Schwab, died a pauper.
- The president of the largest gas company, Edward Hopson, went insane.
- The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home
- The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.
- The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.
- The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.
However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.
So, what became of him?
He played golf until he was 92, and died in 1999 at the ripe old age of 95! He was *very* financially secure at the time of his death.
The moral here: Forget work. Play golf!
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| How drunk to do you have to be to do this? - Download Video Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl.
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Dec 1 Humor Page |
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