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Jay and his
blonde wife live in Chicago.
One winter morning while
listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We
are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park
your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the
snowplow can get through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves
her car.
A week later while they are
eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are
expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get
through."
Jay's wife goes out and moves
her car again.
The next week they are having
breakfast again, when the radio announcer says "We are
expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park...",
then the electric power goes out.
Jay's wife says, "Honey, I
don't know what to do."
Jay says, "Why don't
you just leave it in the garage this time?"
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Three women die
together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter
says, "We only have one rule here in heaven ... don't step
on the ducks." So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there
are ducks all over the place.
It is almost impossible not to
step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them,
the first woman accidentally steps on one. Along comes St. Peter
with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them
together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck
is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman
accidentally steps on a duck, and along come St. Peter, who
doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly
man. He chains them together with the same punishment as the
first woman.
The third woman has observed
all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an
ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to
go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter
comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid
eyes on ... very tall, tan, muscular, and with good hair. St.
Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The woman remarks, "I
wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of
eternity?" And the guy says, "Well, I don't know what
you did, but I stepped on a duck."
Submitted by Maryann,
Columbia, Md.
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A little girl
was talking to her teacher about whales.
The teacher said it was
physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because
even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very
small.
The little girl stated that
Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher
reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was
physically impossible.
The little girl said,
"When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah."
The teacher asked, "What
if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied,
"Then you ask him."
Submitted by Bard,
Unionville, Pa.
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Excuse notes
from parents (with their original spelling)
- My son is under a doctor's
care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
- Please excuse Lisa for being
absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
- Dear School: Please exscuse
John being absent on Jan. 28, 29,30, 31, 32, and also 33.
- Please excuse Gloria from
Jim today. She is administratin
- Please excuse Roland from
P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and
misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because
he had two teeth taken out of his fac
- Carlos was absent yesterday
because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing
part.
- Megan could not come to
school today because she has been bothered by very close
veins.
- Chris will not be in school
cus he has an acre in his side.
- Please excuse Ray Friday
from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Pedro from
being absent yesterday. He had (diahre) (dyrea) (direathe)
the runs. [words in ()'s were crossed out.]
- Please excuse Burma, she has
been sick and under the doctor.
- Irving was absent yesterday
because he missed his bust.
- Please excuse Jimmy for
being. It was his father's fault.
- I kept Billie home because
she had to go Christmas shopping because I don't know what
size she wears.
- Please excuse Jennifer for
missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper
off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it
was Sunday.
- Sally won't be in school a
week from Friday. We have to attend her funera
- My daughter was absent
yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with
the Marines.
- Please excuse Jason for
being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed
well.
- Please excuse Mary for being
absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Maryann was absent December
11-16, because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and
upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore
throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all
over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There
must be something going around, her father even got hot last
night.
- Please excuse little Jimmy
for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I
could not get him ready because I was in bed with the
doctor.
Submitted by Vicki, Kennett
Square, Pa.
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Dr. Seuss
Explains Why Computers Sometimes Crash
If a packet hits a
pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted at a very last resort,
and the access of the mem'ry makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
then your situation's hopeless and your system's gonna crash!!
If the label on the cable on the table at your house
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
that's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse;
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'cuz sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy in the disk,
and the macro code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
then you'll have to flash the memory and you'll want to RAM
your ROM.
Quickly turn off the computer and be sure to tell your Mom!
Submitted by Marianne,
Columbia, Md.
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When farm kids become bored
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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Jan 1t8h Humor Page
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