• Boogieman: The guy who passes time at a stoplight picking his nose.
• Coffin: What you do when you get a piece of popcorn stuck in your throat.
• Frankenstein: Hot dog and a mug of beer.
• Full Moon: What your repairman reveals when he bends over to fix your fridge.
• Goblin: How you eat the snickers bars you got for Halloween.
• Invisible Man: What a guy becomes when there's housework to be done. Also, see "Mr. Hyde."
• Jack O' Lantern: An Irish Pumpkin.
• Jack the Ripper: What Jack does to his lottery tickets after losing each week.
• Mummy: The person who kisses the boo-boo after you scrape your knee.
• Pumpkin Patch: What a pumpkin wears when trying to quit smoking.
• Skeleton: Any supermodel.
• Vampire Bat: What Dracula hits a baseball with.
• Witch: See "Mother-in-Law."
• Zombie: What you look like before that first cup of morning coffee

As the night went by no cars passed him. The storm was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop..

The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve.

The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and in shock, he ran into a bar and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk.

About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar, and one said to the other. "Look Bubba, that's the jerk who climbed into the car while we were pushing."

• All of the stale hard candies that you lost under the fridge last year can be given out this year.
• You have another use for the Goodwill clothing that you are going to pitch anyway.
• You get to see how ridiculous your grown-up neighbors can look once a year.
• You can put Ex-lax in Hershey wrappers like you did last year.
• When having the kids bobbing for apples, line the bottom of the pot of water with a mirror--that'll scare the pants off of them.
• In fact, put the large portrait of your old Uncle Herby in the window. They won't come back next year for sure!
• Instead of candy, give them all notes containing the phone number of your worst enemy and tell them, "call him to win a prize!"
• Put thin trip wires about six feet from your front door.
• If you want to keep the candy you bought for yourself, make sure you mix them with flaming hot sourballs. the word will get around fast!
• Stand at the door and yell, "Vaccinations here!"

He doesn't know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg, So he writes to a costume company to explain his problem.

A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit.

The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint.

A week goes by and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a monk's costume.

The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you should really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really upset since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head, so again he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint..

The next day he gets a small Parcel and a note, which reads:

Dear Sir,

We have TRIED our very BEST.

Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses and a bag of crushed nuts.

Pour the molasses over your bald head, pat on crushed nuts, stick your wooden leg up your butt and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Halloween Things You Don't Want To See At Your Door

• Trick or treaters dressed up like Nancy, Newt ,Sarah or Harry

• Meter Readers who say they made a mistake yesterday and want to see your meter again to raise the estimate.

• Intoxicated milkman who can't ell the difference between milk and milk of magnesia.

• Phil Spector anytime.

• Paperboy with copies of the Druid Weekly.

• Manuel, the Lawn Green guy who poured hydrogen peroxide instead of fertilizer on your lawn last week.

• A representative of the local branch of a Mexican Drug Cartel.

• A streaker.

• The mailman who finally discovered that he has been mis-delivering your mail to the CIA and FBI agent in town.

• Your long-lost Uncle Harry who you assumed was dead years ago, but here he is intoxicated.