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The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire
seats in the posh Amarillo theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The cowboy groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager." The cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no
success. Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right Buddy, what's you're name?"
"Sam," the cowboy moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice, Sam whispered.... "The balcony."
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| The owner of a drugstore arrives at work to find a man leaning heavily against a wall... ... with a very strange look on his face. The owner goes inside and asks his clerk what's up.
"He wanted something for his cough, but I couldn't find the cough syrup," the clerk explains. "So I gave him a box of laxatives and told him to take it all at once."
"Laxatives won't cure a cough, you idiot," the owner shouts angrily.
"Sure it will," the clerk says, pointing at the man leaning on the wall. "Look at him. He's too afraid to cough."
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| A Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line... ... and the least romantic second line:
- My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife: Marrying you has screwed up my life.
- I see your face when I am dreaming. That's why I always wake up screaming.
- Kind, intelligent, loving and hot; This describes everything you are not.
- Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss, But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.
- I thought that I could love no other -- that is until I met your brother...
- Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you. But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
- I want to feel your sweet embrace; But don't take that paper bag off your face.
- I love your smile, your face, and your eyes Damn, I'm good at telling lies!
- My love, you take my breath away. What have you stepped in to smell this way?
- My feelings for you no words can tell, Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'
- What inspired this amorous rhyme? Two parts vodka, one part lime.
Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
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A Scotsman was arguing with a conductor...
... as to whether the fare was 20 pence or 22 pence. Finally the disgusted conductor picked up the Scotsman's suitcase and tossed it off the train, just as they passed over a bridge. The suitcase landed with a splash.
"Mon!" screamed the Scotsman, "isn't it enough that you try to overcharge me, but now you are trying to drown my little boy!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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| Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye. The sign read, "Suits £5.00 each, Shirts £2.00 each, trousers £2.50 per pair".
Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of dose and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking cause if they hear our accents, they might think were thickos from Ireland and
try to rip us off. I'll put on my best English accent.
Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mouth shut, so I will. You do all da business said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £5.00 each, 100 shirts at £2.00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £2.50 each. I'll back up me truck ready to load em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland , aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied, "This is a dry-cleaners".
Submitted by Cathy, Storrington, England
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| Bandsaw - Download Video I have no idea how he did this ...
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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This is a picture of a public toilet in Houston
Now that you've seen the outside view, take a look at the inside view...
It's made entirely of one-way glass! No one can see you from the outside, but when you are inside it's like sitting in a clear glass box!
Now would you..... could you....???
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Jan 31st Humor Page |
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