Submitted by Pastor Jon, Emmitsburg, Md.
 

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• Hockey is like politics. You've got the left wing, the right wing, the center, and they're always beating the hell out of each other!
• A guy got mugged. He said the mugger had bad teeth, so he was either a hockey player or British.
• One arena organist had a sense of humor. Whenever a visiting player would get slammed between the legs, he'd play "The Nutcracker!"
• Once, I was clobbered by a hockey player who disagreed with my suggestions that the athletes were violent.
• St. Louis should be a better team. After all, their opponents are always playing the Blues!
• Obviously, no one expects an "offensive player" to have manners!
• Teams often have to play short-handed. Especially, if their opponents have chopped off a few of their fingers!
• The New Jersey Devils may have an "evil" mascot, but the Bruins have Satan playing for them!
• It's called a face-off because of all of the times they try to scrape off their opponent's noses with their sticks!
• Sometime the biggest goal of hockey seems to be waiting until the ref's back is turned away so that you can whack your opponent!
• Hockey is like soccer on ice, so maybe it should be called Sockem!
• Hockey can be funny. After all, it's the ultimate slapstick sport!
• Hockey...the hitting, the slapping, the shooting, the pushing, the shoving, ...and that's just in the locker room!

Submitted by David, Fort Wayne, In.
 

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• Happy: Had trouble putting nose to the grindstone. Too much time spent telling jokes at the water cooler.

• Doc: Left to pursue further schooling, in particular, Ph.D. work.

• Sleepy: Chronically late for work. Caused many project delays.

• Grumpy: Poor attitude toward work. Not a team player. Trouble with early mornings.

• Dopey: Made several critical errors at work costing the company money, e.g., misappropriated company funds.

• Sneezy: Recurrent, chronic illness has made it difficult for the employee to complete work in a timely fashion.

• Bashful: Lack of initiative. Not willing to make cold calls. Too often let workplace disagreements simmer.

• Jealous Queen: Heavy involvement in the occult not congruent with organizational policies.

• Snow White: Misconduct, e.g., kissing strange men while under some kind of trance.

• Huntsman: Couldn't stand to be cooped up in the office all day. Pursuing work with the National Forest Service.

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... by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless woman who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner. I took out my wallet, got out ten dollars and asked,

'If I give you this money, will you buy wine with it instead of dinner?'

'No, I had to stop drinking years ago', the homeless woman told me.

'Will you use it to go shopping instead of buying food?' I asked.

'No, I don't waste time shopping,' the homeless woman said. 'I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.'

'Will you spend this on a beauty salon instead of food?' I asked.

'Are you NUTS!' replied the homeless woman. I haven't had my hair done in 20 years!'

'Well, I said, 'I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you out for dinner with my husband and me tonight.'

The homeless Woman was shocked. 'Won't your husband be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.'

I said, 'That's okay. It's important for him to see what a woman looks like after she has given up shopping, hair appointments, and wine.'

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Tech Support: Are you sure your keyboard is plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.

Tech Support: Pick up your keyboard and take ten steps backwards.

Customer: Okay.

Tech Support: Did the keyboard come with you?

Customer: Yes.

Tech Support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?

Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Wait a moment please. . . . . . . Ah, that one does work.

Thanks.

Tech Support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple, a capital letter 'V' as in Victor, and the number '7'.

Customer: Is that '7' in capital letters?

Customer: I can't get on the internet.

Tech Support: Are you absolutely sure you used the correct password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my co-worker do it.

Tech Support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five dots.

Tech Support: What anti-virus program do you use?

Customer: Netscape.

Tech Support: That's not an anti-virus program.

Customer: Oh, sorry . . . Internet Explorer.

Customer: I have a huge problem! My friend has placed a screen saver on my computer .. . . but, every time I move my mouse, it disappears.

Tech Support: How may I help you?

Customer: I'm writing my first email.

Tech Support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?

Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it.

A woman customer called the Canon help desk because she had a problem with her printer.

Tech Support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting next to me is by a window, and his printer is working fine!

Tech Support: Okay Bob, press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now, type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.

Customer: I don't have a 'P'.

Tech Support: On your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: What do you mean ?

Tech Support: 'P' .. . . on your keyboard, Bob.

Customer: I AM NOT GOING TO DO THAT!!!

Submitted by Former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Submitted by Dewey, Pensacola, Fl
 

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Jan 10th Humor Page