3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the business ethic for all times.

2900 B.C. - Wondering why the Egyptians call that new thing a Sphinx becomes the first of the world's Seven Great Wonders.

1850 B.C. - Britons proclaim Operation Stonehenge a success. They've finally gotten those boulders arrange in a sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse the hell out of scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. - The first calendar, composed of a year with 354 days, is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. - Babylonians realize something is wrong when winter begins in June.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia, immediately causing the world's first known counterfeiter to appear in Persia the next day.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held, and prove similar to the modern games, except that the Russians don't try to enter a six - footer with a mustache in the women's shot put. However, the Egyptians do!

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of throwing debtors into slavery, thus removing the biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war has been going on for 27 years now because neither side can find a treaty writer who knows how to spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese labor for a generation to build the 1,500 mile long Great Wall of China. And after all that, it still doesn't keep the neighbor's dog out.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers find themselves in total disagreement over what to call next year.

79 A.D. - Buying property in Pompeii turns out to have been a lousy real estate investment.

432 - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby giving the natives something interesting to fight about for the rest of their recorded history.

1000 - Leif Ericsson discovers America, but decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043 - Lady Godiva finds a means of demonstrating against high taxes that immediately makes everyone forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125 - Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling peasants to sole the most baffling problem that confronts them: How much tax do you owe on MMMDCCCLX Lira when you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 - The Inquisition is set up to torture and kill anyone who disagrees with the Law of the Church. However, the practice is so un - Christian that it is permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297 - The world's first stock exchange opens, but no one has the foresight to buy IBM or Xerox.

1433 - Portugal launches the African slave trade, which just proves what a small, ambitious country can do with a little bit of ingenuity and a whole lot of evil!

1456 - An English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her death sentence. Unfortunately for her, she was put to death in 1431.

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..., I overheard a lady, who had been arrested for assaulting a Mammogram Technician, say, "Your Honour, I’m guilty but.....there were extenuating circumstances."

The female Judge said, sarcastically, "I'd certainly like to hear those extenuating circumstances."

I did too so, I listened as the lady told her story.

"Your Honour, I had a mammogram appointment, which I actually kept. I was met by this perky little clipboard carrier smiling from ear to ear and she tilted her head to one side and crooned, "Hi! I'm Belinda! All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown. Everything clear?"

I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."

Belinda then skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.

With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"

"Fine," I answered.

I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck to finish me off? My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other breast wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when I heard and felt a zap!

Complete darkness, the power was off!

Belinda said, "Uh-oh, maintenance is working, bet they hit a snag." Then she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vice alone are you?" I shouted.

Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."

Before I could shout "NOOOO!" She disappeared. And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, "Maintenance Men Extraordinaire", found me...half-naked with part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life and the other part smashed between glass!

After exchanging a polite "Hi, how's it going? " type greeting, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off.

Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, I did but thanks anyway."

"OK, you take care now" Bubba replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.

Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry! The power came back on and I totally forgot about you! And silly me, I went to lunch. Are we upset?"

And that, Your Honour, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps...."

The judge could hardly contain her laughter as she said "Case Dismissed."

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• Unusual location: In the path of a projected motorway.
• Local authority grants available: About to be condemned.
• Period residence: Built in the last two years.
• Select neighborhood: Beside sewage works.
• Compact: Tiny.
• Country gentleman's residence: No longer suitable for agricultural tenants.
• Unusual features: No roof.
• Delightful rural location: In flight path of nuclear bomber base.
• Box room: Suitable for accommodating one or two large cardboard boxes, Folded.
• A wealth of period features: Your self, dry rot, rising damp and an electrical circuit best operated in rubber gloves and wellies.
• Quite, secluded setting: On site of proposed dormitory town.
• Well situated: In full view of the neighbors.
• Within easy distance of: Next door to a pub and opposite a sex shop local amenities.
• Rare opportunity to buy: No one else want's it.
• For the gardening enthusiast: Grounds like a jungle.
• Extensively modernized: Former DIY owner had a breakdown under the strain.
• Unspoilt: Planning permission granted for field next door.
• Deceptive appearance: It looks terrible.
• Partial central heating: The room above the boiler can get warm in summer.
• Easily maintained: Requires at least two gardeners and live-in maid.
• Useful outbuildings: No inside toilet.
• Much sought after: It's been on the market at least twice before and still no one wants it.
• By private treaty: If it went to auction it would never reach the reserve price.
• Owner eager to sell: If it goes within a week the subsidence cracks won't be noticed.
• Subject to new instructions: They have just discovered death watch beetle.
• Sold: Unless idiots like you offer a higher price.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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• Brake company on the skids?
• Bra manufacturers that went bust?
• Surgeon who was forced to take a cut in his salary?
• Cigarette company that went up in smoke?
• Baker who was short of dough?
• Refrigerator manufacturer that had it's assets frozen?
• Corset firm that felt the squeeze?
• Upholsterers that couldn't cover their costs?
• Adhesive tape company that got into a sticky situation?
• Tennis ball manufacturer that ended up in court?
• Downfall of the bungee suppliers?
• The train company that went off the rails?
• The ship building company that sunk?
• The dental practice that was rotten to its roots?

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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So just how hot is Texas?

Submitted by Dave, Bolder, Co.
 

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July 13th Humor Page