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| A husband and wife were driving down a country lane on their way to visit some friends.
They came to a muddy patch in the road and the car became bogged.
After a few minutes of trying to get the car out by themselves, they saw a young farmer coming down the lane, driving some oxen before him. He stopped when he saw the couple in trouble and offered to pull the car out of the mud for £50.
The husband accepted and minutes later the car was free. The farmer turned to the husband and
said, "You know, you're the tenth car I've helped out of the mud today." The husband looks around at the fields incredulously and asks the farmer,
"When do you have time to plough your land? At night?"
"No," the young farmer replied seriously, "Night is when I put the water in the hole."
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| A Blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another Blonde... ... in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of the road to watch the girl for a while.
When she could not stand it any more she called out to the Blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a boat in the middle of the field?"
The Blonde in the field stops rowing and responds, "Because it is an ocean of wheat."
The Blonde standing on the side of the road is furious. She yells at the Blonde in the field. "It is dumb Blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name."
The Blonde in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again.
The Blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at Blonde in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and beat you up!"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A buddy and I were golfing one afternoon and getting somewhat bored with the round;
so when we came upon the water hazard with two ducks sitting quietly on the water, I bet him ten bucks he couldn't hit a duck and five dollars he couldn't even get one to move. Being a guy, he took the bet.
He launched four tee shots toward the ducks, and even threw two by hand, and the ducks still wouldn't budge.
Only after he lost six golf balls did he realize the ducks were decoys.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Historical Resumes
- Julius Caesar: My last job involved a lot of office politics and back stabbing. I'd like to get away from all that.
- Jesse James: I can list among my experiences and skills: leadership, extensive travel, logistical organization, intimate understanding of firearms, and a knowledge of security measures at numerous banks.
- Marie Antoinette: My management style has been criticized, but I'd like to think of myself as a people person.
- Joseph Guillotin: I can give your company a head start on the competition.
- Hamlet: My position was eliminated in a hostile takeover.
- Pandora: I can bring a lot to your company. I like discovering new things.
- Genghis Khan: My primary talent is downsizing. On my last job I downsized my staff, my organization, and the populations of several countries.
- Macbeth: Would I go after my boss's job? Do I look like the kind of guy who would knock off his boss for a promotion?
- Lady Godiva: What do you mean this isn't business casual?
- Elvis: My last boss and I...say, are you going to eat those fries?
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport. Pa.
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Billy had reached school age.
His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea.
She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.
When the first day came, Billy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?" She told him it was time to get ready for school.
"What?" he asked. "Again?"
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Reasons to thank Wal-Mart for having 25 checkout lanes and only 3 open at any given time.
- Waiting in long lines keeps my domestic brain from going completely idle -- there's so much to learn!
- I can catch up on my magazine reading without buying any.
- I have time to leave my cart in line and run back to get the 13 things on my list I forgot.
- I can be one of those annoying cell phone users and catch up on all my phone calls to my insurance agent, mother-in-law, and Auntie Anne.
- I can catch a quick catnap now rather than on the drive home.
- I can assess what other people have in their carts and get exciting new dinner ideas.
- I can finally apply my top coat of nail polish with plenty of drying time.
- I can run next door and pick up my dry cleaning.
- I can update my coupon organizer and leave the trash in the weneveropenenoughcheckoutlanes store instead of my purse.
- I can practice my standup comedy routines on unsuspecting fellow customers.
- I can practice some standing yoga poses and then do those isometric musclecontracting exercises no one else in line is supposed to know you're doing.
- I can taste test my package of the newest lowcarb, zerotransfat, Splendasaturated cookies.
- I can breathe heavily on my Tbones so they're defrosted in time for dinner and I won't have to leave them out on the driveway in the hot late afternoon sun as I normally do.
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New Advances in RT (Redneck Technology)
 
 
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Aug 31st Humor Page |
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