"How's your summer been?" asks bee number one.

"Not too good," says bee two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. There aren't enough flowers, therefore not enough pollen."

The first bee has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down to the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on. Plenty of flowers and fruit."

Bee two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off. An hour later, the bees bump into each other again.

"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the first bee.

"Great!" replies the second.

The first bee, however, notices a small circle on his friend's head, and inquires, "What's that on your head?"

• "I have always found strangers sexy." - Hugh Grant, six months before he was arrested with stranger Divine Brown.
• "I would not wish to be Prime Minister, dear." - Margaret Thatcher in 1973.
• "That rainbow song's no good. Take it out." - MGM memo after first showing of The Wizard Of Oz.
• "You'd better learn secretarial skills or else get married." - Modelling agency, rejecting Marilyn Monroe in 1944.
• "Radio has no future." "X-rays are clearly a hoax." "The aeroplane is scientifically impossible." - Royal Society president Lord Kelvin, 1897-9.
• "You ought to go back to driving a truck." - Concert manager, firing Elvis Presley in 1954.
• "Forget it. No Civil War picture ever made a nickel." - MGM executive, advising against investing in Gone With The Wind.
• "Can't act. Can't sing. Slightly bald. Can dance a little." - A film company's verdict on Fred Astaire's 1928 screen test.
• "Very interesting, Whittle, my boy, but it will never work." - Professor of Aeronautical
• Engineering at Cambridge, shown Frank Whittle's plan for the jet engine.
• "There will be one million cases of AIDS in Britain by 1991." - World Health Organization in a 1989 report. It over-estimated by 992,301 cases.
• "The Beatles? They're on the wane." - The Duke of Edinburgh in Canada, 1965. They went on to produce a string of No 1s.
• "The atom bomb will never go off - and I speak as an expert in explosives." - U.S. Admiral William Leahy in 1945.
• "All saved from Titanic after collision." - New York Evening Sun, April 15 1912.
• "Brain work will cause women to go bald." - Berlin professor, 1914.
• "Television won't matter in your lifetime or mine." - Radio Times editor Rex Lambert, 1936.
• "Everything that can be invented has been invented." - director of the US Patent Office, 1899.
• "And for the tourist who really wants to get away from it all, safaris in Vietnam." - Newsweek magazine, predicting popular holidays for the late 1960s.

• I know how to deal with stressful situations: I'm usually on prosaic. When I'm not, I take lots of cigarette and coffee breaks.
• I seek a job that will draw upon my strong communication & organizational skills: I talk too much and like to tell other people what to do.
• I'm extremely adept at all manner of office organization: I've used Microsoft office.
• I'm honest, hard-working and dependable: I pilfer office supplies.
• My pertinent work experience includes: I hope you don't ask me about all the mcjobs I've had.
• I take pride in my work: I blame others for my mistakes.
• I'm balanced and centered: I'll keep crystals at my desk and do tai chi in the lunch room.
• I have a sense of humor: I know a lot of corny, old jokes and I tell them badly.
• I'm personable: I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
• I'm willing to relocate: As I leave San Quentin, anywhere's better.
• I'm extremely professional: I carry a day-timer.
• My background and skills match your requirements: you're probably looking for someone more experienced.
• I am adaptable: I've changed jobs a lot.
• I am on the go: I'm never at my desk.
• I'm highly motivated to succeed: the minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
• I have formal training: I'm a college drop-out.
• I interact well with co-workers: I've been accused of sexual harassment.
• Thank you for your time and consideration: wait! Don't throw me away!
• I look forward to hearing from you soon: like, I'm gonna hold my breath waiting for your stupid form letter thanking me for my interest and wishing me luck in my future career.

• There is no "I" in "teamwork." But there is in "management kiss-up."
• If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday.
• The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts.
• Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG 14 times gives you job security.
• If you think we're a bad company, you should see the competition.
• Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings--they did it by killing all those who oppose them.
• We put the "k" in "kwality."
• Two days without a human rights violation.
• Your job is STILL better than asking, "You want fries with that?"
• We build great products when we feel like it and don't have any reason to call in sick.
• If at first you don't succeed, try management.
• Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
• The beatings will continue until morale improves.
• Pride, Commitment, Teamwork. Words we use to get you to work for free.
• If at first you don't succeed, delegate it.
• Plagiarism saves time.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles".
• Incessantly recite annoying phrases, such as "sticky wicket isn't cricket."
• Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Forward e-mails back to the person that sent it to you.
• Go to the librarians and complain that somebody has touched your newspaper and you need your morning newspaper pristine and unread.
• Demand lemon in the water from the water cooler. And ice. You must have ice.
• Look amazed every time you sit in a chair with wheels and then proceed to spend the next half an hour wheeling around shouting "Jolly good invention! Chair and wheels, who’d of thought it?"
• Every time the clock strikes the hour shout "One less hour till your work is due, the deadline is approaching! We are doomed! We are doomed!"
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
• Sculpt your hedges into anatomically suggestive shapes.
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing".
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata-suhWING-batter!"
• Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy".
• Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend".
• Steal a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
• Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/OJ Simpson conspiracy theories.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador".
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
• Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One".
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Pretend your mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
• Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin.
• When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up", and repeat.
• Name your dog "Dog".
• Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.