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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam...
... after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.
The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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How to get rid of telemarketers
- If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
- If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just
died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
- If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
- This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
- Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
- Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
- If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, "I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
- 8. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
- Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you
couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.
- Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group
there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
- Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.
- Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually
the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)
Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
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A flight attendant on a United Air Lines cross-country flight...
... nervously announced: about 30 minutes outbound from LA, "I don't know how this happened, but we have 103 passengers aboard and only 40 dinners."
When the passengers' muttering had died down, she continued, "Anyone who is kind enough to give up his meal so someone else can eat will receive free drinks for the length of the flight."
Her next announcement came an hour later. "If anyone wants to change his mind, we still have 29 dinners available!
Submitted by Mike, Emmitsburg, Md.
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Quotes taken from actual letters received by the Welfare Department... ... in applications for support of
receiving payments.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
- I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
- Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
- I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
- I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
- This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
- Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
- I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
- In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
- I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
- My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
- Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
- You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
- I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
- I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
- In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Various Pentagon rules for
engaging the enemy ...
USMC Rules
- Be courteous to everyone, friendly to
no one.
- Decide to be aggressive ENOUGH, quickly
ENOUGH.
- Have a plan.
- Have a back-up plan, because the first
one probably won't work.
- Be polite. Be professional. But, have a
plan to kill everyone you meet.
- Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun
whose caliber does not start with a "4."
- Anything worth shooting is worth
shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
- Move away from your attacker. Distance
is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
- Use cover or concealment as much as
possible.
- Flank your adversary when possible.
Protect yours.
- Always cheat; always win. The only
unfair fight is the one you lose.
- In ten years nobody will remember the
details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember
who lived.
- If you are not shooting, you should be
communicating or reloading.
- Someday someone may kill you with your
own gun, but they should have to beat you to death with it
because it is empty.
- And above all ... don't drop your
guard.
Navy SEALS Rules
- Look very cool in sunglasses.
- Kill every living thing within view.
- Return quickly to looking cool in
latest beach wear.
- Check hair in mirror.
US Army Rangers Rules
- Walk in 50 miles wearing 75 pound ruck
while starving.
- Locate individuals requiring killing.
- Request permission via radio from
"Higher" to perform killing.
- Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
- Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75 pound
ruck while starving.
Army Rules
- Select a new beret to wear
- Sew combat patch on right shoulder
- Change the color of beret you decide to
wear
US Air Force Rules
- Have a cocktail
- Adjust temperature on air-conditioner
- See what's on HBO
- Determine "what is a gunfight"
- Request more funding from Congress with
a "killer" PowerPoint presentation
- Wine & dine 'key' Congressmen, invite
DOD & defense industry executives
- Receive funding, set up new command and
assemble assets
- Declare the assets "strategic" and
never deploy them operationally
- Tell the Navy to send the Marines
Navy Rules
- Go to Sea
- Drink Coffee
- Watch porn
- Send the Marines
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, MD.
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End of the World Headlines When the End of the World Arrives How Will the Media Report
It?
- USA Today: We're Dead
- The Wall Street Journal: Dow Jones Plummets as World Ends
- National Enquirer: Jon and Kate, Together Again
- Microsoft Systems Journal: Apple Loses Market Share
- Victoria's Secret Catalog: Our Final Sale
- Sports Illustrated: Game over
- Wired: the Last New Thing
- Rolling Stone: the Grateful Dead Reunion Tour
- Readers Digest: 'Bye
- Discover Magazine: How Will the Extinction of All Life as We Know it Affect the Way We View the Cosmos?
- Lady's Home Journal: Lose 10 Lbs by Judgment Day with Our New "Armageddon" Diet!
- America Online: System Temporarily Down. Try Calling Back in 15 Minutes.
- Inc. Magazine: Ten Ways You Can Profit from the Apocalypse
- Time Magazine: Renew Your Subscription for Eternity
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The Things That Drive A Sane Person Mad
- The elevator stops on every floor and nobody gets on.
- There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
- You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
- There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
- You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
- Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
- A station comes in brilliantly when you're standing near the radio but buzzes, drifts and spits every time you move away.
- There are always one or two ice cubes that won't pop out of the tray.
- You wash a garment with a tissue in the pocket and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
- The car behind you blasts its horn because you let a pedestrian finish crossing.
- A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling (or braces).
- You set the alarm on your digital clock for 7pm instead of 7am.
- The radio station doesn't tell you who sang that song.
- You rub on hand cream and can't turn the bathroom doorknob to get out.
- People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
- Your glasses slide off your ears when you perspire.
- You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it.
- You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
- You had that pen in your hand only a second ago and now you can't find it.
- You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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I was
sitting in my room watching television when the phone rang...
... "Hello?" I said. A girl's voice came
over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?" I live by myself, and my
name definitely is not Ben. It was probably a wrong number and I was
bored. I replied, "I'm sorry, he's not in right now. Can I take a
message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?"
she responded.
"I think he said he'd be home around
10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused
silence.
"Is this Steve?"
My name isn't Steve, either. This was
definitely a wrong number.
So I replied, "Yes, it is. Do you want
to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home
tonight and asked me to call him," she said in a slightly irritated
voice.
I replied, "Well, he went out with
Karen about an hour ago, and said that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do
you want me to leave a message for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me
when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this
point, and I could hear her temper flaring. "I sure will. Is this
Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't.
"Well... he's going out with Jennifer
at 10:00. I thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake!
Tell him that Alice called him and the she's very upset and that I would
like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
I smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but
Becky isn't going to like this..."
-- Click -- .
Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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A couple arrived at town hall seconds before closing time... ..., and caught a judge just as he was about to leave, and asked him to marry them. He asked if they had a license and, when they
didn't, sent them off to get one.
They caught the town clerk just as he was locking up, and got the license from him. When they got back to the judge, he pointed out they had filled the names in backwards -- his where hers belonged and vice versa.
They rushed back to the clerk's office, caught him again, and got another license. This time, the judge noticed that the clerk had filled in the date in the wrong format. Again they catch the clerk... After five reissued licenses, the judge is finally satisfied.
Judge: "I hope you appreciate why I made you keep going back. If there are irregularities in the license, your marriage would not be legal, and any children you might have would be technical bastards."
Groom: "That's funny - that's just what the clerk called you."
Submitted by Jay, Long Island, NY.
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Not long ago I met the waitress of my dreams...
About halfway through dinner I called the waitress over and said, "Ma'am, this potato is bad."
She nodded, picked up the potato and smacked it. Then she put it back on my plate and said, "Sir, if that potato causes any more trouble, you just let me know."Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
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Bill had always been a prankster. As each of his friends were married... ... Bill made sure some type of practical joke was played upon them. Now ready to be married himself, he was dreading the payback he knew was coming.
Surprisingly, the ceremony went off without a hitch. No one stood up during the pause to offer a reason 'why this couple should not be married'. His reception wasn't disrupted by streakers or smoke-bombs, and the car the couple was to take on their honeymoon was in perfect working order.
When the couple arrived at their hotel and entered the room, Bill even checked for cornflakes in the bed (a gag he had always loved). Nothing, it seemed, was amiss. Satisfied that he had come away unscathed, the couple fell into bed.
Upon waking, the couple was ravenous so Bill called down to room service and asked, "I'd like to order breakfast for two."
At that moment, a soft voice from under the bed said, "Make that five."
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A guy was being sold a very cheap suit.
"But the left arm is a lot longer than the right arm," he complained.
"That's why the suit is such a bargain," the sales clerk explained. "Just cock your left shoulder up a little, like this, and tuck this left lapel under your chin a bit, like this."
"But the right leg is way too short," argued the customer.
"No problem," the sales clerk answered. "Just keep your right knee bent a little at all times, walk like this, and no one will notice. That's why this suit is only thirty dollars."
Finally, the fellow bought the suit, cocked his left shoulder into the air, tucked the suit's left lapel under his chin, bent his right knee, and limped out of the store toward his car.
Two doctors happened along and noticed him.
"Good heavens," the first doctor said to the second, "look at that poor crippled fellow."
"Yeah," answered the second doctor. "But doesn't that suit fit great?"
Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
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Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents...
... in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.
Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.
Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up?
The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.
We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus made for 24. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.
Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any cops. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out to the rapids. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, it's concrete because we didn't have any plaster, so he let us take the canoe out. It was great. You can still see some
of the trees under the water from the flood.
Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works.
Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the
way, what is a pedal-file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters & buy some more beer and ammo.
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
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