Things You Don't Want to Hear Over an Airline PA

• Ocean crossing flight: This is your Captain speaking, I just wanted to take this time to remind you that your seat cushions can be used as floatation devices.

• Hey folks, we're going to play a little game of geography trivia. If you can recognize where we are, tell your flight attendant and receive an extra pack of peanuts.

• Our loss of altitude allows a unique close up perspective of the local terrain. I assure you that it's all part of our airline's new commitment to make your a flight a sight seeing extravaganza.

• Goose! Bogey at 2 o'clock....one on our tail!!!! Eject!!!! Eject!!!!!!!

• Ummmmmm....Sorry......(silence)

• (As the plane turns around right after takeoff)....uhhhhh....we have to go back ....we ..we ....uhhhhhh ....forgot something.....

• I'm sure everyone noticed the loss of an engine, however the reduction in weight and drag will mean we'll be flying much more efficiently now.

• Fasten your seat belt. (same tone your friend with the suicidal driving tendencies uses when you get in the car).

• This is your Captain speaking....these stupid planes are a lot different than the ships I'm used to.. so you'll have to give me some leeway...

• It would be a good idea if right now everyone closed their shades and watched the in-flight movie.

• We've now reached our cruising altitude of 20,000 feet and ... Oh noooooooo!!!!!..

• Don't worry! That one is always on E...

• Get the parachutes ready...

• Drinks are on me...

• I'll have what the Captain's having...

• Hey capt'n take another hit man...

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The only relief she got from her chores was the twice-a-week bridge game she shared with a dozen other women.

The only flaw in the bridge club relationship was that Fay loved to tell off-color stories and the girls didn't want to hear them.

To teach Fay a lesson, the other women decided that the next time she told an off-color story, they'd just get up, walk out, meet at another home but without Fay.

Sure enough, at the next meeting, Fay started, "You know, girls, there's a rumor going around that a busload of prostitutes will be leaving in the morning for that big gold find up in Alaska, and they say...."

Just then, the women all stood up and started for the door.

Fay was disconcerted but only for a moment, then she understood what was going on and said, "Hey! Girls! Hold on, hold on! There's plenty of time 'cause the bus doesn't leave till morning!"
 

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Upon arriving home, a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained: "It's the druggist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone.  I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."

Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the druggist and demand an apology.  Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute, listen to my side of it."

"This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.  I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize I'd locked the house with both house and car keys inside and had to break a window to get my keys.  Then, driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Later, when I was about three blocks from the store, I had a flat tire.  When I finally got to the store a bunch of people were waiting for me to open up.  I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, all the time the darn phone was ringing off the hook."

He continued, "Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.  I had to get down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels and the phone was still ringing. When I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it.  Half of them hit the floor and broke."

"Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife. She wanted to know how to use a Rectal thermometer.  And believe me, mister, as God is my witness, all I did was tell her."

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Whether these changes are good or bad depends in part on how we adapt to them. But, ready or not, here they come.

1. The Post Office - Get ready to imagine a world without the post office. They are so deeply in financial trouble that there is probably no way to sustain it long term. Email, Fed Ex, and UPS have just about wiped out the minimum revenue needed to keep the post office alive. Most of your mail every day is junk mail and bills.
    
2. The Check - Britain is already laying the groundwork to do away with check by 2018. It costs the financial system billions of dollars a year to process checks. Plastic cards and online transactions will lead to the eventual demise of the check. This plays right into the death of the post office. If you never paid your bills by mail and never received them by mail, the post office would absolutely go out of business.
    
3. The Newspaper - The younger generation simply doesn't read the newspaper. They certainly don't subscribe to a daily delivered print edition. That may go the way of the milkman and the laundry man. As for reading the paper online, get ready to pay for it. The rise in mobile Internet devices and e-readers has caused all the newspaper and magazine publishers to form an alliance. They have met with Apple, Amazon, and the major cell phone companies to develop a model for paid subscription services.
    
4. The Book - You say you will never give up the physical book that you hold in your hand and turn the literal pages. I said the same thing about downloading music from iTunes. I wanted my hard copy CD. But I quickly changed my mind when I discovered that I could get albums for half the price without ever leaving home to get the latest music. The same thing will happen with books. You can browse a bookstore online and even read a preview chapter before you buy. And the price is less than half that of a real book. And think of the convenience! Once you start flicking your fingers on the screen instead of the book, you find that you are lost in the story, can't wait to see what happens next, and you forget that you're holding a gadget instead of a book.
    
5. The Land Line Telephone - Unless you have a large family and make a lot of local calls, you don't need it anymore. Most people keep it simply because they've always had it. But you are paying double charges for that extra service. All the cell phone companies will let you call customers using the same cell provider for no charge against your minutes.
    
6. Music - This is one of the saddest parts of the change story. The music industry is dying a slow death. Not just because of illegal downloading. It's the lack of innovative new music being given a chance to get to the people who would like to hear it. Greed and corruption is the problem. The record labels and the radio conglomerates are simply self-destructing. Over 40% of the music purchased today is "catalogue items," meaning traditional music that the public is familiar with. Older established artists. This is also true on the live concert circuit. To explore this fascinating and disturbing topic further, check out the book, "Appetite for Self-Destruction" by Steve Knopper, and the video documentary, "Before the Music Dies."
    
7. Television  - Revenues to the networks are down dramatically. Not just because of the economy. People are watching TV and movies streamed from their computers. And they're playing games and doing lots of other things that take up the time that used to be spent watching TV. Prime time shows have degenerated down to lower than the lowest common denominator. Cable rates are skyrocketing and commercials run about every 4 minutes and 30 seconds. I say good riddance to most of it. It's time for the cable companies to be put out of our misery. Let the people choose what they want to watch online and through Netflix.
    
8. The "Things" That You Own  - Many of the very possessions that we used to own are still in our lives, but we may not actually own them in the future. They may simply reside in "the cloud." Today your computer has a hard drive and you store your pictures, music, movies, and documents. Your software is on a CD or DVD, and you can always re-install it if need be. But all of that is changing. Apple, Microsoft, and Google are all finishing up their latest "cloud services." That means that when you turn on a computer, the Internet will be built into the operating system. So, Windows, Google, and the Mac OS will be tied straight into the Internet. If you click an icon, it will open something in the Internet cloud. If you save something, it will be saved to the cloud. And you may pay a monthly subscription fee to the cloud provider. In this virtual world, you can access your music or your books, or your whatever from any laptop or handheld device. That's the good news. But, will you actually own any of this "stuff" or will it all be able to disappear at any moment in a big "Poof?" Will most of the things in our lives be disposable and whimsical? It makes you want to run to the closet and pull out that photo album, grab a book from the shelf, or open up a CD case and pull out the insert.
    
9. Privacy - If there ever was a concept that we can look back on nostalgically, it would be privacy. That's gone. It's been gone for a long time anyway. There are cameras on the street, in most of the buildings, and even built into your computer and cell phone. But you can be sure that 24/7, "They" know who you are and where you are, right down to the GPS coordinates, and the Google Street View. If you buy something, your habit is put into a zillion profiles, and your ads will change to reflect those habits. "They" will try to get you to buy something else. Again and again.

All we will have left that can't be changed are "Memories". And then probably Alzheimer will take that away from you too!

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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• Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen it. Now how do I get out?
• Dear Abby, My forty-year-old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50 an hour every week for two-and-a-half years. He must be crazy.
• Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn't know he drank until one night he came home sober.
• Dear Abby, Do you think it would be all right if I gave my doctor a little gift? I tried for years to get pregnant and couldn't and he did it.
• Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short-tempered. I think she is going through her mental pause.
• Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor. Well, my husband lost all interest in sex years ago and he is a doctor.
• Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
• Dear Abby, What can I do about all the sex, nudity, language and violence on my VCR?
• Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
• Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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He'd never been to church in his life. After Mass, the priest caught up with him & said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"

Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat & I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine & I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass & figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion & steal McGlynn's hat."

The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?" Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all."

With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile & said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?"

Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery'....I remembered where I left me hat."

Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed.
 

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• If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
• If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died..." When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.
• If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
• This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services.... You: "Hang on a second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?"
• Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, "Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.
• Say, "No", over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
• If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.
• Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh- huh, really, or "That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.
• Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Watertronics." You: "Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?" Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas." You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
• Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, "Oh, my goodness!!!" and then hang up.
• Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... a la Jules Verne. The Russian man put his hand out and reached down into the clouds.

"Aaah!" he said. "We're right over my homeland."

"How can you tell?" asked the American.

"I can feel the cold air." he replied.

A few days later the African man put his hand through the clouds.

"Aah we're right over my homeland." he said.

"How do you know that?" asked the Russian.

"I can feel the heat of the desert."

Several more days later the American put his hand through the clouds.

"Aah, we're right over New York." The Russian and the African were amazed.

"How do you know all of that?!" they exclaimed.

The American pulled his hand in and held it up for them to see. "My watch is missing."

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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... in applications for support of receiving payments.

• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and 6 children. I had seven but one died which was baptized on a half sheet of paper.
• I am writing the welfare department to say that my baby was born two years old. When do I get my money?
• Mrs. Jones has not had any clothes for two years and has been visited regularly by the clergy.
• I cannot get sick pay. I have six children can you tell me why?
• I am glad to report that my husband who is missing is dead.
• This is my eighth child. What are you going to do about it.
• Please find for if my husband is dead. The man I am now living with can't do anything until he knows.
• I am very much annoyed to find out that you have branded my son illiterate. This is a dirty lie as I was married a week before he was born.
• In answer to your letter, I have given birth to a son weighing 10 lbs. I hope this is satisfactory.
• I am forwarding my marriage certificate and my 3 children one of which is a mistake as you can see.
• My husband got his project cut off about two weeks ago and I haven't had any relief since.
• Unless I get my husband's money pretty soon, I will be forced to lead an immortal life.
• You have my changed little boy to a girl, will this make any difference?
• I have no children yet, as my husband is a truck driver and works night and day.
• I want money as quick as I can get it. I have been in bed with the doctor for two weeks and he doesn't do me any good. If things don't improve, I will have to send for another doctor.
• In accordance with your instructions, I have given birth to twins in the enclosed envelope.

Submitted by Dick, Williamsport, Md.
 

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A biker was riding his Harley when he sees a girl about to jump off a bridge so he stops.

"What are you doing?" he asks.

"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.

While he did not want to appear insensitive, he didn't want to miss an opportunity he asked "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a Kiss?"

So, she does.

After she's finished, the biker says, "Wow! That was the best Kiss I have ever had.

That's a real talent you are wasting.

You could be famous. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl..."

Submitted by Lindsay, Melbourne, Australia!
 

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop, he sees $10 and a note in his mouth...

..., reading: "10 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth, and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench. When a bus arrives, he walks around to the front and looks at the number, then boards the bus. The butcher follows, dumbstruck.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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Submitted by former Emmitsburg Mayor Ed!
 

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Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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Submitted by Bruce, Cold Harbor, Ill.
 

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"No," she said, "there are just too many kids here to pick up after."
 

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• "The accident happened because I had one eye on the lorry in front, one eye on the pedestrian and the other on the car behind."
• "I started to slow down but the traffic was more stationary than I thought."
• "I pulled into a lay-by with smoke coming from under the hood. I realized the car was on fire so took my dog and smothered it with a blanket."
• Q: Could either driver have done anything to avoid the accident? A: Travelled by bus?
• The claimant had collided with a cow. The questions and answers on the claim form were - Q: What warning was given by you? A: Horn. Q: What warning was given by the other party? A: Moo.
• "I started to turn and it was at this point I noticed a camel and an elephant tethered at the verge. This distraction caused me to lose concentration and hit a bollard."
• "On approach to the traffic lights the car in front suddenly broke."
• "I didn't think the speed limit applied after midnight"
• "I knew the dog was possessive about the car but I would not have asked her to drive it if I had thought there was any risk."
• "Windscreen broken. Cause unknown. Probably Voodoo."
• "The car in front hit the pedestrian but he got up so I hit him again."
• "I pulled away from the side of the road, glanced at my mother-in-law and headed over the embankment."
• "The other car collided with mine without giving warning of its intention."
• "I collided with a stationary truck coming the other way."
• "A truck backed through my windshield into my wife's face."
• "A pedestrian hit me and went under my car."
• "In an attempt to kill a fly, I drove into a telephone pole."
• "I had been shopping for plants all day and was on my way home. As I reached an intersection a hedge sprang up obscuring my vision and I did not see the other car."
• "I was on my way to the doctor with rear end trouble when my universal joint gave way causing me to have an accident."
• "An invisible car came out of nowhere, struck my car and vanished."
• "I was thrown from the car as it left the road. I was later found in a ditch by some stray cows."
• "Coming home I drove into the wrong house and collided with a tree I don't have."
• "I thought my window was down, but I found it was up when I put my head through it."
• "The guy was all over the road. I had to swerve a number of times before I hit him."
• "I had been driving for forty years when I fell asleep at the wheel and had an accident."
• "As I approached an intersection a sign suddenly appeared in a place where no stop sign had ever appeared before."
• "To avoid hitting the bumper of the car in front I struck a pedestrian."
• "My car was legally parked as it backed into another vehicle."
• "I told the police that I was not injured, but on removing my hat found that I had a fractured skull."
• "I was sure the old fellow would never make it to the other side of the road when I struck him."
• "The pedestrian had no idea which way to run as I ran over him."
• "I saw a slow moving, sad faced old gentleman as he bounced off the roof of my car."
• "The indirect cause of the accident was a little guy in a small car with a big mouth."
• "The telephone pole was approaching. I was attempting to swerve out of the way when I struck the front end."
• "The gentleman behind me struck me on the backside. He then went to rest in a bush with just his rear end showing. "
• "I had been learning to drive with power steering. I turned the wheel to what I thought was enough and found myself in a different direction going the opposite way."
• "I was backing my car out of the driveway in the usual manner, when it was struck by the other car in the same place it had been struck several times before."
• "When I saw I could not avoid a collision I stepped on the gas and crashed into the other car."
• "The accident happened when the right front door of a car came round the corner without giving a signal."
• "No one was to blame for the accident but it would never have happened if the other driver had been alert."
• "I was unable to stop in time and my car crashed into the other vehicle. The driver and passengers then left immediately for a vacation with injuries."
• "The pedestrian ran for the pavement, but I got him."
• "I saw her look at me twice. She appeared to be making slow progress when we met on impact."
• "The accident occurred when I was attempting to bring my car out of a skid by steering it into the other vehicle."
• "My car got hit by a submarine." (The Navy informed the wife of a submariner that the craft was due in port. She drove to the base to meet her husband and parked at the end of the slip where the sub was to berth. An inexperienced ensign was conning the sub and it rammed the end of the slip, breaking a section away, causing her car to fall into the water. The Navy paid the compensation claim."

Submitted by Al, Seattle, Wa.
 

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