• Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
   
• A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."
   
• A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered dolphins that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
   
• A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
   
• Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"
    
• A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A police spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

• What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
• What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho cheese.
• What do you call santa's helpers? Subordinate clauses.
• What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.
• What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
• What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
• Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
• What kind of coffee was served on the titanic? Sanka.
• Why do a pilgrim's pants always fall down? Because they wear their belt buckle on their hat.
• How do you catch a unique rabbit? Unique up on it.
• How do you catch a tame rabbit? Tame way, unique up on it.
• What goes clop, clop, clop, bang, bang, clop-clop-clop? An amish drive-by shooting.

Other congregates saw what was going on, and they also decided to hire their own stand-ins goys to tape the sermon so they could play golf instead of going to church. Within a few weeks time there were 500 stand-ins sitting in the church taping the minister.

The minister got wise to this. The following Sunday he, too, hired a stand-in who brought a tape recorder to play his prerecorded sermon to the 500 stand-in's in the congregation who dutifully recorded his words on their machines.

Witnesses said this marked the first incidence in history of artificial insermonation.

The customer leaves without buying anything and the boss comes out he tells the immigrant he's suppose to say Doughnuts. The boss goes back to his office and the next customer comes he asks "what cha sellin?"

The immigrant says "doughnuts". The customer ask's "are they fresh?" The immigrant thinks for a second and replies "I don't know." Again, the customer leaves without buying anything.

The boss comes out again and tells the immigrant: "you're suppose to say ‘yes, yes very fresh.'" The immigrant nods his head and the boss returns to his office. The

next customer comes in and asks "what cha sellin?"

"Doughnuts." replies the immigrant quickly.

"Are they fresh?"

‘Yes, yes" replies the immigrant, "Very fresh."

"Can I buy some?" ask the customer.

Once again the immigrant was stumped and replies "I don't know."

So out the customer goes. The boss comes out once again. "Your suppose to say ‘if you don't someone else will'. Now if you get it wrong one more time, you're fired. Understand?"

The boss watches as the next costumer come into the shop and the whole routine is repeated over agin, this time the immigrant gets it right and for the rest of the day, makes a boat load of sales.

That day that night a bungler came into the shop and asks "what's in a cash register?"

The immigrant replied "doughnuts."

"Are you getting fresh with me?" replied the bugler?

"Yes yes very fresh." replied the immigrant.

"Well know it off or I'll blow your head off?" replied the now thoroughly pissed Bungler.

To which the immigrant replied . . . Get ready to groan . . .

" If you don't someone else will."

. . .but were having a little trouble deciding where to go. They were a little tired of the local food in Transylvania and wanted something a little more exotic. After some discussion, they decided to go to Italy because they had heard that Italian food was really good.

So off they went to Italy and ended up in Venice. On a bridge over one of the canals, they hid in the shadows and waited for dinner. A few minutes later they noticed a young couple walking their way. As they neared, the vampires made their move. Each vampire grabbed a person, sucked them dry and tossed the remaining bodies into the canal below. The vampires were extremely pleased with their meal and decided to have seconds. Another young couple approached a few minutes later and suffered the same fate as the first - sucked dry and tossed into the canal below.

Our vampires are now fairly full but decide to get dessert. In a short while a third young couple provides just that. As with the first two couples, these people were also sucked dry and tossed over the rail into the canal.

The vampires had had a marvelous dinner but it was time to head back home. As they started to walk away they began to hear singing. They were puzzled because no one else was on the bridge. As they listened, they realized that it was coming from the canal. They looked over the rail and saw a huge alligator in the water under the bridge, feasting on the bodies.

They listened as the alligator sang:

You don't know what the alligator sang, do you?

Are you ready?

Are you sure?

Here it comes....

"Drained wops keep falling on my head..."

the Hebrew teacher informed his class. "Consider that the Chinese have observed only their 4695th. What does this mean to you?"

After a reflective pause, one student volunteered, "Well, for one thing, the Jewish people had to do without Chinese food for 1063 years."

The poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper, so I tried to get it loose by turning on the switch. On the first upswing of the wiper, the bird flew off, slamming into the windshield of the car behind me -- a police cruiser.

Immediately, the cop pulled me over. He walked up and told me he saw what happened. "I'm going to have to write you up," he said, "for flipping me the bird."

. . . and they finally got married and had a little one--- a real SWEET POTATO whom they called "YAM".

They wanted the best for little Yam, telling her all about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half baked because she could get Mashed, get a bad name like Hot Potato, and then end up with a bunch of Tater Tots. She said not to worry------no Mr. McSpud would get her in the sack and make a Rotten Potato out of her! But she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either. She decided to tour Europe and the U.S.A.

On her Shoestring budget. Mr. and Mrs. Potato warned her to watch out for the Hard Boiled guys from Ireland and even the greasy guys from France called French Fries. They also said she should watch out for the Indians when going out west because she could get Scalloped.

She told them she would stay on the straight and narrow and wouldn't associate with those high class Blue Belles or the ones from the other side of the tracks who advertise their trade on all the trucks you see around town that say Frito Lay.

Mr. & Mrs. Potato wanted the best for Yam, so they sent her to "Idaho P.U."-that's Potato University - where the Big Potatoes come from and when she graduated, she'd really be in the Chips. But one day she came home and said she was going to marry Walter Cronkite. Mr. and Mrs. Potato were very upset and said she couldn't marry him because he's just a.......COMMONTATER.

• Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.
• After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job and seamed more exciting than it was
• Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
• I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it so we parted.
• Then I tried to be a chef -- figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just wasn't at home on the range
• Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
• My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
• Mining was interesting, but then they gave me the shaft.
• Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
• I became a professional fisherman, but my net income was reel low
• Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
• I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
• I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
• So then I got a job in a health club, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
• Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but there were too many undercurrents.
• After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a history teacher until I realized there was no future in it.
• My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind and the job had no perks.
• So I retired and I found I am a perfect fit for the job!