Since he's in a good mood that day he decides to give the poor fellow a break and write him out a warning instead of a ticket. So, he asks the man his name.

"Fred," he replies.

"Fred what?" the officer asks.

"Just Fred," the man responds.

When the officer presses him for a last name, the man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. "Tell me Fred, how did you lose your last name?"

The man replies, "It's a long story so stay with me. I was born Fred Dingaling. I know, funny last name. The kids used to tease me all the time. So I stayed to myself. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, finally got my degree so I was Fred Dingaling, MD.

"After a while I got bored being a doctor so I decided to go back to
school. Dentistry was my dream. Got all the way through school, got my degree so I was now Fred Dingaling MD DDS. Got bored doing dentistry so I started fooling around with my assistant. She gave me VD. So, I was Fred Dingaling MD DDS with VD.

"Well, the ADA found out about the VD so they took away my DDS so I was Fred Dingaling MD with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Dingaling with VD.

The loan officer says: "Hello I'm John Paddywack, can I help you?" The frog says: "Yes I'd like a loan."

The officer decides to humor the frog and takes a form out of his desk and says: "OK what is your last name?" To which the frog replies "Jagger." The officer still doubting the frogs veracity says, "Well, Mr. Jagger, do you have any collateral?" The frog pulls out a small pink ceramic elephant and hands it to Mr Paddywack asking can he use this?

The loan officer, barely able to contain himself, but still humoring the frog says: "Well, I'm not sure. Excuse me for a minute; I'll have to consult with the bank president." The frog says: "Oh, he knows my dad, tell him Mick sends his regards."

In the presidents office John shows the object, and says, there's a frog out here who wants a loan and this is all he has for collateral and I don't even know what it is.

The bank president responds in a melodious voice:

It's a knickknack, Paddywack.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's a Rolling Stone.

No matter what, metal, wood, plastic-anything she touched would melt! Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, "If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured."

The king was overjoyed. The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth.

Three young princes took up the challenge. The first prince brought a very hard alloy of titanium. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. The prince went away sadly. The second prince brought a huge diamond, thinking that diamond is the hardest substance in the world and will not melt. But alas, once the princess touched it, it melted. He too went away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess, "Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there." The princess did as she was told, though she turned red. She felt something hard. She held it in her hand. And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was the object in the prince's pants?

Larry was doing well in heaven and one day St. Peter came up to him and said "Larry, you know you are the nicest lobster we ever had up here. Everyone likes you but you seem to be a bit depressed. Tell me what is bothering you, maybe I can help."

Larry said, "Well, don't get me wrong Pete, I like it up here and everything, but I really miss my good friend Sam Clam. We used to do everything together and I really miss him a lot."

St. Peter looked at Larry with pity and said to him, "I tell you what, I can arrange it so that you can go down to hell tomorrow and visit Sam all day. How would that sound?"

This made Larry very happy and he got up bright and early the next morning and grabbed his wings, his harp, and his halo and got in the elevator to hell. When the doors opened he was met by Sam. The hugged each other and they were off. Larry found out that in Hell Sam owned a disco, and they spent the day there together and had a great time.

At the end of the day Larry and Sam went back to the elevator together said their goodbyes and Larry got back in the elevator and went up to heaven. He stepped off the elevator and was greeted by St. Peter who blocked the doorway to heaven. He looked at Larry and said, "Larry Lobster, didn't you forget something?"

Larry looked around and said "No, I don't think so I have my halo and my wings."

St. Peter looked at him and said, "Yes, but what about your harp?"

"I would like a Sprite," said the first little piggie.
"I would like a Coke," said the second little piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The drinks are brought out and the waiter takes their orders for dinner.

"I want a nice big steak," said the first piggie.
"I would like the salad plate," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," said the third little piggie.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

"I want a banana split," said the first piggie.
"I want a root beer float," said the second piggie.
"I want water, lots and lots of water," exclaimed the third little piggie.

"Pardon me for asking," said the waiter, "but why have you only ordered water?"

... and thus save on supplies. By doing this, he could generally underbid most paint jobs around town.

One day he got the contract to paint the local church, the single biggest structure in town. He was by far the lowest bidder. As usual, he thinned his paint.

While high up on the scaffolding, there suddenly was a tremendous thunderclap, the sky opened and the rain poured down, washing the thinned paint from all over the church and knocking Frank off the scaffolding. He landed in the churchyard, among gravestones and puddles of the thinned paint.

Frank was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty, so he fell on his knees and cried: "Oh God! Forgive me! What should I do?!"

And from the heavens, a mighty voice spoke: " REPAINT! REPAINT, AND THIN NO MORE!"

• What's the best form of birth control after 50? :Nudity
• What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? : 45 lbs.
• What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? : 45 minutes.
• How many women does it take to change a light bulb? :None, they just sit there in the dark and complain.
• What's the fastest way to a man's heart? : Through his chest with a sharp knife.
• Why are men and parking spaces alike? : Because all the good ones are taken and the only ones left are disabled.
• What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? : After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
• What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? : The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
• What do you call a smart blonde? :A golden retriever.
• Why does the bride always wear white? : Because it's good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
• What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? :"Are you sure it's mine?"
• Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? : Everyone has the same DNA.
• Did you hear about the Chinese couple who had a retarded baby? : They named him Sum Ting Wong.
• What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? :A speech impediment.
• Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? : He walks around saying "Yo."
• What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? :A Pimp.
• How do you get a sweet little 80 year old lady to curse? : Get another sweet little 80 year old lady to yell "Bingo."
• What's the Cuban National Anthem? : Row row row your boat.

Fearful that she might lose her life as a painter, she went to see the best eye surgeon in the world. After several weeks of delicate surgery and therapy, her eyesight was restored.

The painter was so grateful that she decided to show her gratitude by repainting the doctor's office. Part of her work included painting a gigantic eye on one wall. When she had finished her work, she held a press conference to unveil her latest work of art at the doctor’s office.

During the press conference, one reporter noticed the eye on the wall, and asked the doctor, 'What was your first reaction upon seeing your newly decorated office, especially that one large eye on the wall?'

To this, the eye doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank the Lord, I'm not a urologist.'"

Jon says, "I haven't got the fingers."

The doctor says, "What do you mean, you haven't got the fingers? It's 2001.

We've got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put them back on and made you like new. Why didn't you bring the fingers?"

Jon says, "Well, Doc, I tried, but I just couldn't pick 'em up!

Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please Lord," he implored, "let it be blood!!"

She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'."

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, "Sorry ma'am but there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries".

One of his aides suggested Venus. "Forget it," God said, "I went there 10,000 years ago and got sunburned."

Another aide suggested Jupiter. "No way," God replied. "I went there 5,000 years ago and froze my butt off."

The driver was wearing a leather jacket that had a broken zipper. He finally stopped the bike and told the other guy, "I can't drive anymore with the air hitting me in my chest."

But then he decided to put the coat on backwards to block the air from hitting him. They continued driving down the road and came around a bend in the road, lost control and wrecked.

A nearby farmer called the police and reported the accident. The police asked him, "are they showing any sign of life?"

"Well," the farmer said, "the driver was until I turned his head around the right way!"

Q: A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs, what was it called?
A: Dogless Fairbanks.

Q: Which famous golfer loves to drink wine?
A: Litre Vino.

Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

Q: Did you hear about the two men from the monastery who opened a fast-food seafood restaurant?
A: One was the fish friar, the other was the chip monk.

"And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called, "Amazon Dot Com" by some in the Tribe.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why doth thou travel far, from town to town with thy goods, when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?"

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, Dear?"

And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and verily, they will reply, telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)".

Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, "There will be a lot of banging in the land". And Abraham replied, "It is my most fervent wish that this be so".

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent. But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham's drum and was accused of insider trading. And the young did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.

And the young were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to a sentry, who was also the drum maker. He was known as "Brother William of the Gates," and upon acquiring great wealth, he eventually bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates' drumsticks.

And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others". And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, "eBay", he said, "We need a name of a service that reflects what we are".

And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner-Operators".

"Whoopee!", said Abraham.

"No, YAHOO!", said Dot Com.

Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.