He responded with, "Mrs. Siegel, you have to expect things to start deteriorating. After all, who wants to live to 100?"

The grandmother looked him straight in the eye and replied, "Anyone who's 99."

... sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.

"You grew up in a different world, actually almost a primitive one", he said in a voice loud enough for many nearby to hear. "We, the young people of today, grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, men walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited mars, we have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and…" he paused to take another swig of beer…

Which the senior citizen took advantage of to say, "You know, son, you're right. We didn't have those things when we were young… so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little fart, what are YOU doing for the next generation?"

The applause was resounding.

I love senior citizens.

I came across this phrase yesterday "fender skirts"

A term I haven't heard in a long time and thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." (AKA) suicide knob

Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to you.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home, so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days.

But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "world wide" for granted This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure.

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered a little too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in usage. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffee maker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this. ?

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most "supper." Now everybody says "dinner."

--- THE SENILITY PRAYER : Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

• Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
• In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
• No one expects you to run--anywhere.
• People call at 9 pm and ask, " Did I wake you ???? "
• People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
• There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
• Things you buy now won't wear out.
• You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
• You can live without sex but not your glasses.
• You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
• You no longer think of speed limits as challenge.
• You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
• You sing along with elevator music.
• Your eyes won't get much worse.
• Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
• Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
• Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.
• Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat! When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened.

They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day!

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in the river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down ?"

The woman replied, "Down." 

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down ?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table and, she didn't miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes. By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.

All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her the more agitated he became. He just wouldn't let up one minute.

To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant. And, as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, "While you're in there, you might as well get my hat, and the credit card."

• Question: How many days in a week? Answer: 6 Saturdays, 1 Sunday
• Question: When is a retiree's bedtime? Answer: Three hours after he falls asleep on the recliner.
• Question: How many retirees to change a light bulb? Answer: Only one, but it might take all day.
• Question: What's the biggest gripe of retirees? Answer: There is not enough time to get everything done.
• Question: Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? Answer: The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
• Question: Among retirees what is considered formal attire? Answer: Tied shoes.
• Question: Why do retirees count pennies? Answer: They are the only ones who have the time.
• Question: What is the common term for someone who enjoys work and refuses to retire? Answer: NUTS!
• Question: Why are retirees so slow to clean out the basement, attic or garage? Answer: They know that as soon as they do, one of their adult kids will want to store stuff there.
• Question: What do retirees call a long lunch? Answer: Normal.
• Question: What is the best way to describe retirement? Answer: The never-ending Coffee Break.
• Question: What's the biggest advantage of going back to school as a retiree? Answer: If you cut classes, no one calls your parents.
• Question: Why does a retiree often say he doesn't miss work, but misses the people he used to work with? Answer: He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

• I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
• My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
• I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
• All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
• If all is not lost, where is it?
• It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
• Some days you're the dog; some days you're the hydrant.
• I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few...
• Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
• Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
• It's hard to make a come back when you haven't been anywhere.
• The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you're in the bathroom.
• If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
• When I'm finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
• Funny, I don't remember being absent minded...
• It's not hard to meet expenses... they're everywhere.
• The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
• These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter.. I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I'm here after.

• Blackjack chewing gum
• Wax Coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water
• Candy cigarettes
• Soda pop machines that dispensed glass bottles
• Coffee shops or diners with tableside juke boxes
• Home milk delivery in glass bottles with cardboard stoppers
• Party lines
• Newsreels before the movie
• P.F. Flyers
• Butch wax
• Telephone numbers with a word prefix (OLive-6933)
• Peashooters
• Howdy Doody
• 45 RPM records
• S&H Green Stamps
• Hi-fi's
• Metal ice trays with lever
• Mimeograph paper
• Blue flashbulb
• Packards
• Roller skate keys
• Cork popguns
• Drive-ins
• Studebakers
• Wash tub wringers
   
• If you remembered 0-5 = You're still young
• If you remembered 6-10 = You are getting older
• If you remembered 11-15 = Don't tell your age,
• If you remembered 16-25 = You're older than dirt!

While the kidney story was an urban legend, this one is not. It's happening every day.

My thighs were stolen from me during the night a few years ago. It was just that quick. I went to sleep in my body and woke up with someone else's thighs. The new ones had the texture of cooked oatmeal. Who would have done such a cruel thing to legs that had been mine for years?

Whose thighs were these and what happened to mine?

I spent the entire summer looking! for my thighs. Finally, hurt and angry, I resigned myself to living out my life in jeans and Sheer Energy pantyhose.

Then, just when my guard was down, the thieves struck again. My butt was next. I knew it was the same gang because they took pains to match my new rear end (although badly attached at least three inches lower than my original) to the thighs they stuck me with earlier. Now, my rear complemented my legs, lump for lump. Frantic, I prayed that long skirts would stay in fashion.

It was two years ago when I realized my arms had been switched. One morning I was fixing my hair, and I watched horrified but fascinated as the flesh of my upper arms swung to and fro with the motion of the hairbrush. This was really getting scary.

My body was being replaced one section at a time. How clever and fiendish.

Age? Age had nothing to do with it. Age is supposed to creep up, unnoticed, something like maturity. NO, I was being attacked repeatedly and without warning.

In despair, I gave up my T-shirts. What could they do to me next?

My poor neck disappeared more quickly than the Thanksgiving turkey it now resembled.

That's why I decided to tell my story. I can't take on the medical profession by myself. Women of the world, wake up and smell the coffee.

That really isn't plastic that those surgeons are using. You KNOW where they are getting those replacement parts, don't you?

The next time you suspect someone has had a face "lifted," look again. Was it lifted from you?

I think I finally found my thighs... and I hope that Cindy Crawford paid a really good price for them!

This is not a hoax. This is happening to women in every town every night. WARN YOUR FRIENDS.

P.S. I must say that last year I thought someone had stolen my breasts. I was lying in bed and they were gone! As I jumped out of bed I was relieved to see that they had just been hiding in my armpits as I slept.

Now I keep them hidden in my waistband