• The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
• You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it started.
• You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn't do anything the night before.
• The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
• Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
• It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
• You know you're getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
• Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.
• When you lean over to pick something up off the floor, you ask yourself if there is anything else you need to do while you are down there.
• You find yourself in the middle of the stairway, and you can't remember if you were downstairs going up or upstairs going down.

Mowing the lawn, putting a new fence in, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty. Covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit, shorts with the hole in crotch, old t-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Wal-Mart to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following.

In your 20's:  Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. You went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:  Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:  Stop what you are doing. Put a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Wal-Mart. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy.

In your 50's:  Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dirt in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from your buddy's bait shop and it says, "I Got Worms".

In your 60's: Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose off the dog crap off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:  Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Wal-Mart until they have your prescriptions ready too. Don't' even notice the dog crap on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:  Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember that you needed to go to Wal-Mart. Go to Wal-Mart and wonder around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. The old lady that greeted you at the front door went to school with you.

In your 90's:  Stop what you are doing.

• There are three signs of old age. The first is your loss of memory. I forget the other two.
• You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
• Middle age is when work is a lot less fun and fun is a lot more work.
• Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that a bad time for a guy to get those odds?
• You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.
• Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
• Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.
• A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
• You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.

I, _____ _____________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers / doctors interested in simply running up the bills. If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

• glass of wine
• margarita
• chocolate
• martini
• cold Beer
• chocolate
• chicken fried steak
• cream gravy
• chocolate
• mexican food
• french fries
• chocolate
• pizza
• ice cream
• chocolate
• cup of tea
• chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

I Leave:

• To my wife: My overdraft at the bank. Maybe she can explain it.
• To my son: Equity on my car. Now he will have to go to work to meet the payments.
• To my banker: My soul. He has the mortgage on it anyway.
• To my neighbour: My clown suit. He will need it if he continues to farm as he has in the past.
• To the farm credit corporation: My unpaid bills. They took some real chances on me. I want to do something for them.
• To the junk man: All my machinery. He's had his eyes on it for years.
• To my undertaker: A special request. I want six implement dealers and six fertilizer dealers for pallbearers. They are used to carrying me.
• To the weatherman: Rain, hail and snow for the funeral please. No sense in having good weather now.
• To the grave digger: Don't bother. The hole I'm in now should be big enough.

And lastly

• To the monument maker: Set up a jig for the epitaph. "Here lies a farmer who has now properly assumed all of his obligations

After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I will live to be 80?"

He asked: Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"

"Oh no," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either."

"Do you have many friends and entertain frequently?"

"I said, "No, I usually stay home and keep to myself".

"Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"

I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"

"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"

"No, I don't," I said.

"Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"

"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."

He looked at me and said, "Then why do you care?