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Post-election bumper stickers
- Don't Blame Me - I Voted for Gore... I Think
- Unpresidented!
- If God Meant Us to Vote, He Would Have Given Us Candidates
- Jews for Buchanan
- What Popular Vote?
- I Voted - Didn't Matter
- My Parents Retired to Florida and All I Got Was this Lousy President
- Disney Gave Us Mickey, Florida Gave Us Dumbo
- Don't Throw Away Your Vote........ Let Katherine Harris Do it for You
- Who Is this Chad Guy and Why Is He Pregnant.
- Bush Trusts the People, but Not If it Involves Counting.
- Now Do You Understand the Importance of User-testing?
- To You I'm a Drunk Driver; to My Friends, I'm Presidential Material!
- One Person, One Vote (May Not Apply in Certain States)
- I Didn't Vote for His Daddy Either
- it Ain't over 'Til Your Brother Counts the Votes
- the Election Can't Be Broken. We Just Fixed It.
- The Skies (Wheeze) of Texas (Cough) Are upon You! (Choke)
- Banana Republicans
- George W. Bush: the President Quayle We Never Had
- The Last Time Somebody Listened to a Bush, Folks Wandered in the Desert for 40 Years
- Campaign Spending: $184,000,000. Having Your Little Brother Rig the Election for You: Priceless.
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia, Md.
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| For years, the
admiralty and maritime scholars have reviewed every statistic regarding the Titanic.
The simple facts were that the ship sailed with 2,224 men, women and children aboard. Of that number, 1,503 perished while only 711 survived. One of the last
great mysteries was the previously unexplained fact that, of the 711 survivors, 704 were registered Republicans.
It has been only a theory for years, but recent events in Florida confirm earlier suspicions: all Republicans aboard the Titanic were able to follow the arrows to the life rafts.
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx.
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Bush Legal Team Sues S. Claus
Reuters, Austin, Tx (Dec. 4)
Attorneys for Texas Governor George W. Bush filed suit in federal court today, seeking to prevent Santa Claus from making his list and then checking it twice. The complaint seeks an immediate
injunction against the beloved Christmas icon, asking the court to effectively ban his traditional practice of checking the list of good boys and girls one additional time before
packing his sleigh.
The suit, filed in the Federal District Court of Austin, Texas, asks a federal judge to "hereby order Mr. Claus to cease and desist all repetitive and duplicative list-checking activity, and
certify the original list as submitted, without amendment, alteration, deletion, or other unnecessary modification."
"There are no standards for deciding who is naughty, and who is nice. It's totally arbitrary and capricious. How many more times does he need to check? This checking, checking, and re-checking
over and over again must stop now," said former Secretary James Baker. Baker further claimed that unnamed GOP observers witnessed an elf removing all boys named Justin from the 'nice' list,
filing them under 'naughty' instead because "everyone knows all boys named Justin are brats."
Gov. Bush cited the potential for unauthorized list tampering, and blasted what he called the "crazy, crazy mess up there at the North Pole." "Their security is really awful, really bad," said
Bush. "My mother just walked right in, told 'em she was Mrs. Claus. They didn't check her ID or anything."
Meanwhile, Dick Cheney, Gov. Bush's running mate, issued a direct plea to St. Nick himself. "Mr. Claus, I call on you to do the honorable thing, and quit checking your list. The children of
the world have had enough. They demand closure now," Cheney said, adding that his granddaughter has already selected a name for the pony she's asked for.
The Rev. Jesse Jackson was quick to respond to this latest development with plans to lead his protesters from Florida to the North Pole via dogsled. The "Million Man Mush" is scheduled to
leave Friday. "We need red suits and sleighs, not law suits and delays," Jackson said.
Santa Claus could not be reached for comment, but a spokes-elf said he was "deeply distressed" by news of the pending legal action against him. "He's losing weight, and he hasn't said 'Ho Ho'
for days," said the spokes-elf. "He's just not feeling jolly." A weary nation can relate.
Submitted by Curtis, Burlington, Vt.
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Here are a few interesting
statistics from our breakdown map of counties won by George Bush and Albert Gore. The last item is, perhaps, the most telling.
Compiled by law professor Joseph Olson.
- Counties won by Bush: 2,434
Counties won by Gore: 677
- Population of counties won by Bush: 143 million
Population of counties won by Gore: 127 million
- Square miles of country won by Bush: 2,427,000
Square miles of country won by Gore: 580,000
- States won by Bush: 29
States won by Gore: 19
And now for the most remarkable finding....
- Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Bush:0.1
Average Murder per 100,000 residents in counties won by Gore:13.2
The Federalist's crack staff of researchers found one more interesting fact that might help explain these disparate murder rates. Gun ownership in the
counties won by Mr. Bush is much higher than in the counties won by Mr. Gore! For more facts, got to
www.federalist.com/e2000.html
Submitted by Bryan, Idaho Falls, Idaho
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They can play 10 bingo cards at a time and not
miss a number . . .
- They can juggle 53 numbers and pick 6 for the Florida Lotto, as well as select their Pick 3, Fantasy Five, and Mega Ball numbers.
- They can read 5 papers, 4 scratch sheets, and handicap 3 horses in the Tri-fecta at the horse race.
- They can spot a shanked golf ball in an acre of elephant grass 300 yards away.
- They can eyeball a nonresident in a 1,000-unit subdivision at 200 yds.
- They can report a scarred manatee at 10 fathoms to the Green peace hotline.
- They can take 37 different colored pills every morning and never mess it up.
- But they can't read a 4-line ballot they've had published in the newspaper and mailed to them a week in advance and pick one candidate...
You figure it out !!!
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What's the difference between Al Gore and a new puppy?
Answer: After five weeks the puppy opens his eyes and stops whining.
Submitted by Robin Miller, New Market, England
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| A proposed revision to the rules of golf
is being sought in south Florida . . .
. . . which will replace the traditional call of "FORE".
Once a player has hit an errant shot he will be allowed to call "GORE" while the ball is still in flight. He can then replace the ball in the same spot and hit it again. The player can do this
until he is satisfied the ball is going where he intended to hit it in the first place. This
will cause the time of play to be extended until such time the player can claim the hole.
This revision is causing some consternation to the PGA but proponents say it is only fair. A test of this new rule was recently played out in an exclusive club in Palm Beach County Florida and
the first hole only took 7 days to complete!!!!
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I'm a BAD American. I'm Your Worst Nightmare. I am a
Republican.
- I like big cars, big guns, and big tits. I believe the money I make belongs to me and my family, not some mid-level governmental functionary with
a bad comb-over who wants to give it away to crack addicts squeezing out babies.
- I don't think playing with guns makes you a killer. I believe it's called the Boy Scouts for a reason. I don't think being a minority makes you
noble or victimized. I don't care if you call me a racist, a homophobe or a misogynist. I know that no matter how big Jennifer Lopez's ass gets, I'll still want to see it.
- I don't celebrate Kwanzaa. I believe that if you are selling me a Big Mac in America, you do it in english. I don't use the excuse "it's for the
children" as a shield for unpopular opinions or actions. I want to know when MTV became such crap.
- I think getting a hummer is sex, and every man is entitled to at least one extremely sloppy one per month.
- I know what the definition of "is" is. I think Oprah's eyes are way too far apart. I didn't take the initiative in inventing Internet. I want them
to bring back safe and sane fireworks.
- I believe no one ever died because of something Ozzy Osborne, Ice-T or Marilyn Manson sang. I think that being an art student doesn't give you any
more insight than working at Blockbuster.
- I don't want to eat or drink anything with the words light, lite or fat-free on the package.
- I believe everyone has a right to pray to his or her God or gods, and they can do it in their schools.
- I think the Clippers should play in the WNBA. My heroes are John Wayne, Ronald Reagan, Norman Schwartzkopf, Colin Powell and whoever canceled "Dr.
Quinn, Medicine Woman".
- I think creative violence and useless nudity and sex makes Iraqi's deader(if there is such a term) and movies more interesting.
- I don't hate the rich. I don't pity the poor. I know wrestling is fake, but I still think that Goldberg could kick my ass.
- I think global warming is Chicken Little junk science.
- I've never owned or was a slave, I didn't wander forty years in the desert after getting chased out of Egypt. I haven't burned any witches or been
persecuted by the Turks and neither have you, so shut-the-hell-up already.
- Bugs and Sylvester still make me laugh. I think you can respect and admire women while mentally undressing them. I believe a self-righteous
liberal with a cause is more dangerous than a 6 year old with a Play Station.
- I want to know exactly which church it is where the Rev. Jesse Jackson preaches!!!
- I think explosions are cool. I don't care where Ellen DeGeneres puts her tongue. I think the cops have every right to shoot your sorry ass if
you're running from them.
- I worry about dying before I get even.
- I like the convenience of buying oranges while I'm waiting at a stoplight, and I'm pretty sure the Latino girl selling them to me is glad she no
longer lives in a refrigerator packing carton outside Ensenada.
- I figured out Bruce Willis was dead midway through The Sixth Sense but enjoyed it anyway.
- I think turkey bacon sucks.
- I want somebody to explain to me exactly why it's wrong to point out that when I watch a freeway chase, I know the losers the police eventually
pull out of the car are not gonna be honor roll middle-class high school kids but gang-banging losers from the wrong side of town.
- I believe that it doesn't take a village to raise a child, it takes a parent with a firm voice and a firmer hand.
- I think tattoos and piercings are fine if you want them, but please don't pretend they are a political statement and not a fad.
- I like hard women, hard liquor and a hard bowel movement first thing in the morning. Don't even think about asking me if I want a rice cake.
- I believe you don't have to speak with a lisp to pick out a couch for your living room.
- I'll admit that the only movies that ever made me cry was "Sands of Iwo Jima" and "Ole Yeller".
- I didn't realize Dr. Seuss was a genius until I had a kid.
- I will not conform or compromise just to keep from hurting somebody's feelings. Making love is fine, but sometimes I just wanna get laid.
- I'm neither angry nor disenfranchised, no matter how desperately the mainstream media would like the world to believe otherwise.
- YES, I'm a Republican......................
Submitted by Julie, Middleburg, Va.
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| When Bill and Hillary first got married . . .
. . . Bill said, "I am putting a box under our bed. You must promise never to look in it." In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked. However,
on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity got the better of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box there were 3 empty beer cans and $1,974.25 in cash. After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her guilt and she confessed saying, "I am so
sorry.. For all these years, I kept my promise and never looked in the box under the bed. However, today the temptation was to much and I gave in. But now I need to know, Why do you keep the
empty cans in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess that after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer
can in the box to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but thought to herself, "I am very disappointed and saddened, but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation
does happen and I guess three times is not that bad considering the number of years we have been together..."
They hugged and made their peace. A little while later, Hillary asked Bill, "So why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered. "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them for cash."
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| I've followed elections since I
was a lad And I've never before encountered a chad.
It sounds like a character from Mother Goose Or a shaggy-eared elf in an old Dr. Seuss.
The word chad is a word that is largely unheard. You picture meek animals grouped in a herd of Small gentle creatures with snugly warm fur that's what you
might think a chad or two were.
But a chad, it turns out, is a powerful thing. It's the difference b'tween deadlock and let freedom ring! It changed an election that once seemed a bore To a
white-knuckled contest between Bush and Gore. And what is this chad that cuts such a caper? It's the tiniest possible flyspeck of paper. Push a pin in a ballot, you make a small hole. The chad
is what's gone when the hole takes control.
But push the pin slowly or not hard enough And the edge of the hole will remain rather rough. Enough chad will be left to cause great consternation And
influence the whole presidential election.
Then inspectors show up to inspect the small holes To peer and to puzzle about voters' goals. Chad experts they are, it's a specialized art for to read chads
correctly, you've got to be smart.
Some chads hang by one corner, let voters lament The experts interpret that that vote was meant. If hung by two corners, a chad's still presumed To register
the vote that the voter assumed.
But if a chad clings by three corners or more A tense huddle ensues while the experts deplore. They have to determine the voter's intention and earmark the
ballot for trash or retention.
Suppose all the chad's left but there is a slight bulge Did the voter pull back, afraid to indulge? They never will know what really was meant. But the
experts will call this a chad that's pregnant.
The election's already a plate of spaghetti And now we're inspecting small bits of confetti. A dent in a chad (not a bulge, keep it simple) Is ruled invalid
as merely a dimple.
The world holds its breath while the chad experts study An election campaign that's grown terrible muddy. Not to be beat'round the Bush we don't know what's
in store Did the pins Gore the ballot; did the ballots gore Gore?
It all seems so fitting, this election mosh-mish. To my ear, the word "chad" speaks strongly of fish. And from the beginning we all seemed to know Our choice
was chad counting and never shad roe.
But I have to admit that it seems pretty sad In a country like ours so technology-mad. That the fate of the nation, for good or for bad Hangs not from a
thread, nope, it hangs from a chad.
Submitted by Suzanne, Annapolis, Md.
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| Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What
is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."
"Balance?", inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth, "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is
going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued, pointing to
different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a large land mass and said, "What's that one?"
"Ah," said God. "That's Texas, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful lakes, rivers, streams and mountains. The people from Texas are going to
be modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high achieving, and they will be known throughout the
world as diplomats and carriers of peace."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God?" "You said there would be balance!"
God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots I'm putting in Florida."
Submitted by Kevin, Dallas Tx. |
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