FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to do with these young boys when they visit your base?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?"

GENERAL REINWALD: "Don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm."

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: "But you're equipping them to become violent killers."

GENERAL REINWALD: "Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?"

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Obviously, Nancy and the rest of the family were at his side, as well as the family minister. Knowing that his time might be short, they asked if there was anything he wanted.

"Yes," he replied, "I'd like very much to have Bill and Hillary Clinton at my side before I go."

They were all amazed at this request and several assumed his memory was failing even worse than they had suspected. Regardless, they went ahead and forwarded his request to the former first family.

Within hours, the former president and first lady arrived at his bedside, courtesy of the loan of Air Force One. For a time, no one said anything. Bill and Hillary stood, one on each side of the bed, and were touched and flattered that Ron would ask them to be with him during his final moments.

They were also puzzled - obviously they were of different political parties and had thrown barbs in one another's direction over the years. Why not George H. W. Bush, G.W. Bush or some of Reagan's many Hollywood friends? He had never given the Clintons any indication he particularly liked either of them. Finally, Bill spoke up and asked, "Mr. President, why did you chose the two of us to be at your bedside at this critical moment?"

So he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send the letter to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 and sat down to write a thank you note, which read:

"Dear God, Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, DC and as usual those bastards deducted $95.00 in taxes."

So our illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy." One little boy stood up and offered, "If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the President. "That's what we would call a "GREAT LOSS."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he says, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic," exclaimed Bush, "that's right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident, and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."

Tony Blair responds, "It's me."

"Correct. Thank you, Bye" said the Queen and she hangs up.

"Did you get that Mr. Bush?"

"Yes'm. Thanks a lot! I'll definitely be using that!"

Once back in the US he decides that he has doubts about some Republicans and he's going to ask them the question. He arranges a meeting with Jesse Helms, the Senator from North Carolina and asks him, "Mr.. Helms, I know you're the Chair of the Foreign Relations Committee, and I need to trust your judgment. I have a question for you. "

"Anything to stimulate the mind of this old Southerner," Helms responds.

"Uhh, your mother has a child. And your father has a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" asks Bush.

Helms thinks. And he thinks. Then he responds, "Umm, Y'all must gimme some time to think about it."

Bush decides to give him a day to come up with the correct answer. That afternoon, Helms calls a meeting to discuss the question and get an answer. But NOBODY knows! They've drawn up a Jesse Helms family tree, to no avail. The next morning, he realizes that he has to give G Dub an answer and as a last resort, he decides to phone Colin Powell.

"Colin, Your mother has a child, and your father has a child. It is not your brother, and not your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "Hey, Jesse, it's me of course, you dumb Cracker!"

Helms rushes to Bush's office, very impressed to know the answer to such a difficult question! "Mr. Bush, I know! I know who it is! It is Colin Powell!"

"No, you dumb Idiot. It's Tony Blair!"

The call-in contest required the names to be in relative good taste, original, and should capture the essence of one or both of the Clintons. The response was overwhelming! Some names nominated for the Clinton's new home included:

• Perjurers' Palace
• HillBilly Villa
• The House of Bill's Repute
• Drawers Downs
• Cheatem Estates
• Sin Simeon
• The Knee Pad
• The White Trash House
• The Blight House
• The Panderosa Liars' Lair
• Bill & Hill's Bribe & Breakfast
• The Clinton Compost
• Dogpatch on the Hudson
• The Hen House
• The Out House
• The Love Shack
• The House of Seven Felonies
• Motel Sex

But the clear, hands-down winner was...

DISGRACELAND

"It's me, Bill Clinton, formerly the President of the United States and Leader of the Free World."

"Oh... Mr. President! What may I do for you?" asks St. Peter.

"I'd like to come in," replies Clinton.

"Sure," says the Saint. "But first you have to confess your sins. What bad things have you done in your life?"

Clinton bites his lip and answers, "Well, I tried marijuana, but

you can't call it 'dope smoking' because I didn't inhale. There were inappropriate extramarital relationships, but you can't call it 'adultery' because I didn't have full 'sexual

relations.' And I made some statements that were misleading, but legally accurate, but you can't call it 'bearing false witness' because, as far as I know, it didn't meet the legal standard of perjury."

With that St. Peter consults the Book of Life briefly, and declares, "OK, here's the deal. We'll send you somewhere hot, but we won't call it 'Hell.' You'll be there indefinitely, but we won't call it 'eternity.' And when you enter, you don't have to "abandon all hope," just don't hold your breath waiting for it to freeze over."

. . . when they came to a homeless person. The Republican gave the homeless person his business card and told him

come to his business for a job. He then took twenty dollars out of his pocket and gave it to the homeless person.

The Democrat was very impressed, and when they came to another homeless person, He decided to help. He walked over to the homeless person and gave him directions to the welfare office He then reached into the Republican's pocket and gave him fifty dollars.

It took me years to figure out the real differences between Democrats and Republicans and this little story says it all.

"I think Dr. Lecter will serve with pride, fava beans, and a nice Chianti," Bush announced.

In another announcement, Special Agent Clarice Starling will become the new FBI director. She's expected to work closely with the new Surgeon General on a case concerning missing former Vice President Al Gore. President Bush had recently arranged a meeting between Gore and Lecter.

Lecter was the last person to see Gore before Gore's sudden disappearance in early January. Lecter noted that he, "enjoyed having Gore for dinner," but was upset at how Gore, or, rather the *subject* of Gore kept "coming up." "I'm sick to my stomach over this," Lecter said.

President Bush didn't seem concerned with the disappearance of his rival for the office. "I think it's all been ‘passed’ by now."

Bush and Cheney are having lunch at a diner near the White House. Cheney orders the "Heart-Healthy" salad. Bush leans over to the waitress and says "Honey, could I have a quickie?" Of course, she's horrified!

She says, "Mr. President, I thought your administration would bring a new era of moral rectitude to the White House. Now I see I was wrong and I'm sorry I voted for you," and she marches off.

Cheney leans over and says "George, I think it's pronounced 'QUICHE' ".

George W. Bush was thrilled at finally being able to spend his first night in the White House, but something very strange happened. On the very first night, he was awakened by George Washington's ghost.

Bush asked the ghost, "President Washington, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" "Set an honest and honorable example, just as I did," advised Washington.

With all the excitement of the White House, Bush still couldn't sleep well, and then, later on that night, the ghost of Thomas Jefferson moved through the dark bedroom. "Tom, what is the best thing I could do to help the country?" Bush asked.

"Cut taxes and reduce the size of the government," Jefferson answered.

Bush still couldn't sleep well, so much later, on the same; night he saw another ghostly figure moving in the shadows. It was Abraham Lincoln's ghost. "Abe, what is the best thing I could do to help the country" Bush asked.

Lincoln replied, "Go see a play."

• "Rarely is the question asked: is our children learning."
• "It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
• "I think we agree, the past is over."
• "I was raised in the West. The west of Texas. It's pretty close to California. In more ways than Washington, D.C., is close to California."
• "I understand small business growth. I was one."
• "We ought to make the pie higher."
• "This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve."
• "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family."
• "The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?"
• "When it is all said and done, I will have made more money than I ever dreamed I would make."

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be created in the white-collar sector for nonabled persons, providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability. Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.

The legislation also provides corporations with incentives to hire nonabled workers, including tax breaks for those who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees. Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the nonabled by banning prospective employers from asking such job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that would make you an asset to this company?"

"As a nonabled person, I frequently find myself unable to keep up with co-workers who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should really help people like me."