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Why the best
sources of advice on how to raise teenagers is not other
parents, but veterinarians
- Neither teenagers nor cats
turn their heads when you call them by name.
- No matter what you do for
them, it is not enough. Indeed, all humane efforts are
barely adequate to compensate for the privilege of waiting
on them hand and foot.
- You rarely see a cat walking
outside of the house with an adult human being, and it can
be safely said that no teenager in his or her right mind
wants to be seen in public with his or her parents.
- Even if you tell jokes as
well as Jay Leno, neither your cat nor your teen will ever
crack a smile.
- No cat or teenager shares
you taste in music.
- Cats and teenagers can lie
on the living-room sofa for hours on end without moving,
barely breathing.
- Cats have nine lives.
Teenagers carry on as if they did.
- Cats and teenagers yawn in
exactly the same manner, communicating that ultimate human
ecstasy -- a sense of complete and utter boredom.
- Cats and teenagers do not
improve anyone's furniture.
- Cats that are free to roam
outside sometimes have been known to return in the middle of
the night to deposit a dead animal in your bedroom.
Teenagers are not above that sort of behavior.
Thus, if you must raise
teenagers, the best sources of advice are not other parents, but
veterinarians. It is also a good idea to keep a guidebook on
cats at hand at all times. And remember, above all else, put out
the food and do not make any sudden moves in their direction.
When they make up their minds, they will finally come to you for
some affection and comfort, and it will be a triumphant moment
for all concerned.
Submitted by Dave, Bolder,
Co.
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How to tell the
sex of a fly
I stopped at a friends house
the other day and found him stalking around the kitchen with a
flyswatter.
When I asked if he had gotten
any flies he answered, "Yeah, 5 .... 3 males and 2
females."
Curious, I inquired as to how
he could tell the difference.
He answered, "It's easy, 3
were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone.
Submitted by Mike,
Broomfield, Co.
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Bomb them with
butter, bribe them with hope.
A military response,
particularly an attack on Afghanistan, is exactly what the
terrorists want. It will strengthen and swell their small but
fanatical ranks.
Instead, bomb Afghanistan
with butter, with rice, bread, clothing and medicine. It will
cost less than conventional arms, poses no threat of US
casualties and just might get the populace thinking that maybe
the Taliban don't have the answers. After three years of drought
and with starvation looming, let's offer the Afghani people the
vision of a new future. One that includes full stomachs.
Bomb them with
information. Video players and cassettes of world leaders,
particularly Islamic leaders, condemning terrorism. Carpet the
country with magazines and newspapers showing the horror of
terrorism committed by their "guest". Blitz them with
laptop computers and DVD players filled with a perspective that
is denied them by their government. Saturation bombing with hope
will mean that some of it gets through. Send so much that the
Taliban can't collect and hide it all.
The Taliban are telling their
people to prepare for Jihad. Instead, let's give the Afghani
people their first good meal in years. Seeing your family fully
fed and the prospect of stability in terms of food and a future
is a powerful deterrent to martyrdom. All we ask in return is
that they, as a people, agree to enter the civilized world. That
includes handing over terrorists in their midst.
In responding to
terrorism we need to do something different. Something
unexpected .. . something that addresses the root of the
problem. We need to take away the well of despair, ignorance and
brutality from which the Osama bin Laden's of the world water
their gardens of terror. It is important that we learn to think
in NEW ways. If we continue attacking in the old ways we will
get the same old results. Look at what has been happening the
middle east for thousands of years to see what we can expect if
we attack with bombs and military force.
Do we want to live a life of
fear as people in the middle east do?
"Peace is not
something that you wish for. It is something you make, something
you do, something you are, and something you give away." -
- -Ghandi
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