"What will you do if I die before you do?" Dad asked Mom.

After some thought, she said that she'd probably look for a house sharing situation with three other single or widowed women who might be a little younger than herself, since she is so active for her age.

Submitted by Bill, Narberth, Pa.
 

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• ALIEN: What Mum would suspect had invaded her house if she spotted a child-sized creature cleaning up after itself.
• BABY: 1) Dad, when he gets a cold. 2) Mum's youngest child, even if he's 42.
• BATHROOM: a room used by the entire family, believed by all (except Mum) to be self-cleaning.
• "BECAUSE": Mum's reason for having kids do things which can't be explained logically.
• BED AND BREAKFAST: Two things the kids will never make for themselves.
• CAR POOL: Complicated system of transportation where Mum always winds up going the furthest, with the biggest bunch of kids, who have had the most sugar.
• COOK: 1) Act of preparing food for consumption. 2) Mum's other name.
• DUST: Insidious interloping particles of evil that turn a home into a battle zone.
• ENERGY: Element of vitality kids always have an oversupply of until asked to do something.
• "EXCUSE ME": One of Mum's favorite phrases, reportedly used in past times by children.
• FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
• FOOD: The response Mum usually gives in answer to the question "What's for dinner tonight?"
• GARBAGE: A collection of refuse items, the taking out of which Mum assigns to a different family member each week, then winds up doing herself.
• HANDI-WIPES: Pants, shirt-sleeves, drapes, etc.
• HANDS: Body appendages which must be scrubbed raw with volcanic soap and sterilized in boiling water immediately prior to consumption of the evening meal.
• ICE: Cubes of frozen water which would be found in small plastic tray if kids or husbands ever filled the darn things instead of putting them back in the freezer empty.
• "I SAID SO": Reason enough, according to Mum.
• JUNK: Dad's stuff.
• KETCHUP: The sea of tomato-based goop kids use to drown the dish that Mum spent hours cooking and years perfecting to get the seasoning just right.
• MAKEUP: Lipstick, eyeliner, blush, etc. which ironically make Mum look better while making her young daughter look "cheap."
• MAYBE: No.
• MILK: A healthful beverage which kids will gladly drink once it's turned into junk food by the addition of sugar and cocoa.
• "MOMMMMMMM!": The cry of a child on another floor who wants something.
• PANIC: What a mother goes through when the darn wind-up swing stops.
• OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mum's nickname for Dad.
• PENITENTIARY: Where children who don't eat their vegetables or clean their rooms eventually end up, according to Mum.
• PIANO: A large, expensive musical instrument which, after thousands of dollars worth of lessons and constant harping by Mum, kids will refuse to play in front of company.
• PURSE: A handbag in which Mum carries the checkbook and keys she can never find because they're buried under tissues, gum wrappers, a plastic container full of cereal, toys from a fast-food restaurant, a teddy bear, a football, wallpaper samples, a grocery list and several outdated coupons.
• REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air- conditioner for the kitchen.
• SCHOOL PLAY: Sadistic ritual in which adults derive pleasure from watching offspring stumble through coarse reenactments of famous historic events.
• SNOWSUITS: Warm, padded outer garments that, when completely zipped and snapped performs two important functions: Protecting children from the cold and reminding them that they have to go to the bathroom.
• SOAP: A cleaning agent Mum puts on the sink on the off-chance one of her kids will accidentally grab it while reaching for the towel.
• SPIT: All-purpose cleaning fluid especially good on kids' faces.
• SUNDAY BEST: Attractive, expensive children's clothing made of a fabric which attracts melted chocolate and grape juice.
• TERRIBLE TWO'S: Having both kids at home all summer.
• TROUBLE: Area of nonspecific space a child can always be sure to be in.
• UMPTEENTH: Highly conservative estimate of the number of times Mum must instruct her offspring to do something before it actually gets done.
• UNDERWEAR: An article of clothing, the cleanliness of which ensures the wearer will never have an accident.
• VITAMINS: Tiny facsimiles of cave people Mum forces you to swallow each morning as part of her sinister plot to have you grow up to be "Just like Daddy."
• WALLS: Complete set of drawing paper for kids that comes with  every room.
• WASHING MACHINE: Household appliance used to clean blue jeans, permanent ink markers, loose change, homework, tissues and wads of gum.
• XOXOXOXO: Mum salutation guaranteed to make the already embarrassing note in a kid's lunch box even more mortifying.
• YARD SALE: Heart-wrenching emotional process wherein Mum plans to sell kid's outdated toys and clothing that she decides at the last minute are treasured mementos she can't bear to part with.
• "YIPPEE!": What Mum would jump up and shout if the school year was changed to 12 months.
• ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.

Submitted by Vicki, Kennett Square, Pa.
 

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