...  I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin'. I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest. This room's a disaster, just look at this mess!

Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed. They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need! My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs. The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.

There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing. Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging. Two pies in the oven, dessert's almost done; My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs. I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;

Then in walks my husband, spilling drink on the floor. He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady; then grins as he chuckles, "The egg nog is ready!" He looks all around and with total regret, says, "What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet?!!!!"

As quick as a flash I reach for a knife; He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life! He flees from the room in terror and pain and screams, "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"

OK! Now what was I doing, and what is that smell? Oh darn it's the pies! They're burned all to hell! I hate to admit when I make a mistake, but I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.

What else can go wrong? Is there still more ahead? If this is good living, I'd rather be dead. Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays; It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed. But I promise you one thing, If I live 'til next year, You won't find me pulling my hair out, in here. I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter; and if that doesn't work, I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED!

1. If you divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10, what do you have?
2. Seven months of the year have 31 days; how many months have 28 days?
3. A doctor gives you 3 pills with instructions to take one every half hour. How many minutes would the pills last?
4. A farmer has 15 pigs, all but 9 die. How many does he have left?
5. Carl the butcher wears a size 12 shoe, is 6 foot 3 inches tall and wears a 42 long suit. What does he weigh?
6. A man takes a barrel that weighs 50 pounds, and then puts something in it. It now weighs less than 50 pounds. What did he put in it?
7. Twelve pears hanging high, 12 men passing by. Each took a pear and left eleven hanging here. How can this be?
8. What runs around a house but doesn't move?
9. If one child has 5 2/3 sand piles and another has 2 1/3, and you combine them, how many sand piles do you have?
10. Your mother's brother's only brother-in-law is asleep on your couch. Who is asleep on your couch?
11. What runs but cannot walk?
12. Joe was out for a walk and it started to rain. He did not have an umbrella and he wasn't wearing a hat. His clothes were soaked, yet not a single hair on his head got wet. How could this happen?
13. According to recent studies, how many birthday does the average person have?
14. How much dirt is in a hole that has a dimension of 6 feet long x 3 feet wide x 4 feet high?
15. An electric train is traveling South at 70 mph, the wind is blowing 30 mph to the East. Which direction does the smoke going to travel?

Click Here For The Answers

• The average life expectancy in the U.S. was 47 years.
• Only 14 Percent of the homes in the U.S. had a bathtub.
• Only 8 percent of the homes had a telephone.
• A three-minute call from Denver to New York City cost eleven dollars.
• There were only 8,000 cars in the U.S., and only 144 miles of paved roads.
• The maximum speed limit in most cities was 10 mph.
• Alabama, Mississippi, Iowa, and Tennessee were each more heavily populated than California. With a mere 1.4 million residents, California was only the 21st-most populous state in the Union.
• The tallest structure in the world was the Eiffel Tower.
• The average wage in the U.S. was 22 cents an hour.
• The average U.S. worker made between $200 and $400 per year.
• A competent accountant could expect to earn $2000 per year, a dentist $2,500 per year, a veterinarian between $1,500 and $4,000 per year, and a mechanical engineer about $5,000 per year.
• More than 95 percent of all births in the U.S. took place at home.
• Ninety percent of all U.S. physicians had no college education. Instead, they attended medical schools, many of which were condemned in the press and by the government as "substandard."
• Sugar cost four cents a pound. Eggs were fourteen cents a dozen. Coffee cost fifteen cents a pound.
• Most women only washed their hair once a month, and used borax or egg yolks for shampoo.
• Canada passed a law prohibiting poor people from entering the country for any reason.
• The five leading causes of death in the U.S. were: 1. Pneumonia and influenza 2. Tuberculosis 3. Diarrhea 4. Heart disease 5. Stroke
• The American flag had 45 stars. Arizona, Oklahoma, New Mexico, Hawaii, and Alaska hadn't been admitted to the Union yet.
• The population of Las Vegas, Nevada, was 30.
• Crossword puzzles, canned beer, and iced tea hadn't been invented.
• There was no Mother's Day or Father's Day.
• One in ten U.S. adults couldn't read or write. Only 6 percent of all Americans had graduated high school.
• Marijuana, heroin, and morphine were all available over the counter at corner drugstores. According to one pharmacist, "Heroin clears the complexion, gives buoyancy to the mind, regulates the stomach and the bowels, and is, in fact, a perfect guardian of health."
• 18 percent of households in the U.S. had at least one full-time servant or domestic.
• There were only about 230 reported murders in the entire U.S.

Just think what it will be like in another 100 years ... It boggles the mind ...

From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again. Finally she spoke, "Grandpa, did God make you?"

"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago."

"Oh," she said and then "Grandpa, did God make me too?"

Yes, indeed, honey," he answered." God made you just a little while ago."

Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, "God's getting better at it, isn't he?

1. 70
2. 12 months
3. 60 minutes
4. 9 pigs
5. He weighs meat
6. He put a hole in it
7. Each was the name of one of the man passing by
8. A fence
9. 1 sand pile
10. Your father
11. Water
12. Joe is bald
13. 1 birthday
14. None.
15. Electric trains don't blow smoke

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