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Insightful one liners to impress people with at parties
- Black holes are where God
divided by zero . . .
- Early bird gets the worm, but
the second mouse gets the cheese.
- OK, so what's the speed of
dark?
- How do you tell when you run
out of invisible ink?
- If everything seems to be
going well, you have obviously overlooked
- something.
- When everything's coming your
way, you're in the wrong lane.
- Everyone has a photographic
memory. Some don't have film.
- Shin: a device for finding
furniture in the dark.
- I intend to live forever - so
far, so good.
- If Barbie is so popular, why
do you have to buy her friends?
- Eagles may soar, but weasels
don't get sucked into jet engines.
- What happens if you get scared
half to death twice?
- I used to have an open mind
but my brains kept falling out.
- I couldn't repair your brakes,
so I made your horn louder.
- Why do psychics have to ask
you for your name?
- If at first you don't succeed,
destroy all evidence that you tried.
- If at first you don't succeed,
then skydiving definitely isn't for you.
- Experience is something you
don't get until just after you need it.
- No one is listening until you
make a mistake.
- Success always occurs in
private, and failure in full view.
- The colder the X-ray table,
the more of your body is required on it.
- The hardness of the butter is
proportional to the softness of the bread.
- To steal ideas from one person
is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
- The problem with the gene pool
is that there is no lifeguard.
- A clear conscience is usually
the sign of a bad memory.
- If you must choose between two
evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
- Change is inevitable....except
from vending machines.
- Borrow money from
pessimists-they don't expect it back.
- Half the people you know are
below average.
- 99 percent of lawyers give the
rest a bad name.
Submitted by Patty, Leasburg,
Va.
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A man is dining in
a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the
next table.
He has been checking her out
since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes and her
glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He
reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it
back.
"Oh my, I am sooo
sorry," the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
"Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner
together, and afterwards the theater followed by drinks. They
talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his.
After paying for everything, she
asks him if he would like to come to her place the next night for
dinner. Needless to say, he says "Yes."
She cooks a gourmet meal with all
the trimmings.
The guy is amazed!! Everything
had been incredible!!!! "You know," he said, "you
are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you
meet?"
"No" she replies,
"You just happened to catch my eye."
Submitted by Marianne, Columbia,
Md.
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Four guys are
driving cross-country together. One from Idaho, Iowa, Oregon and
one from California.
A bit down the road the man from
Idaho starts pulling out potatoes out of his bag and throwing them
out on the road. The man from Iowa, says "What are you doing
that for?"
The man from Idaho says, "We
have so many of these, they are laying all over at home and I'm
sick of looking at them".
A few more miles down the road,
the Iowa man starts pulling husks of corn out of his bag and
throwing them out the window.
The man from Oregon says,
"Man what are you doing that for?" The man from Iowa
says, "we have tons of these all over back home and I'm sick
of looking at them!"
Inspired by the two men, the
Oregonian looks over at the Californian and kicks him out the
door.
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