St. Peter said, "I know that you guys are forgiven because you're here. Before I let you into Heaven, I have to ask you something. Your answer will depend on what kind of car you get. You have to have a car in Heaven because Heaven is so big!"

The first guy walks up and Peter asks the first guy, "How long were you married?"

The first guy says, "24 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?", Peter asked.

The guy said, "Yeah, 7 times...but you said I was forgiven."

Peter said, "yeah, but that's not too good. Here's a Pinto for you to drive."

The second guy walks up and gets the same question from Peter. The second guy said, "I was married for 41 years and cheated on her once, but that was our first year and we really worked it out good."

Peter said, "I'm pleased to hear that, here's a Lincoln for you."

The 3rd guy walked up and said, "Peter, I know what you're going to ask. I was married for 63 years and didn't even look at another woman! I treated my wife like a queen!"

Peter said, "That's what I like to hear. Here's a Jaguar!"

• The London Financial Times is read by people who run the world
• The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
• The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country, and who are very good at crosswords.
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't really understand the Washington Post. They do, however, like their statistics shown in pie charts.
• The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time, and if they didn't have to leave LA to do it.
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country and they did a far superior job of it, thank you very much.
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country, and don't really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.
• The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country or that anyone is running it; but whoever it is, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are handicapped minority feminist atheist dwarfs, who also happen to be illegal aliens from any country or galaxy as long as they are Democrats.
• The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country but need the baseball scores.
• The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

• Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
• Conscience is what hurts when everything else feels so good.
• Talk is cheap because supply exceeds demand.
• Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
• Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
• An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.
• There will always be death and taxes; however, death doesn't get worse every year.
• In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
• I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
• A day without sunshine is like night.
• If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
• It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
• The real art of conversation is not only to say the right thing at the right time, but also to leave unsaid the wrong thing at the tempting moment.
• Brain cells come and brain cells go, but fat cells live forever.
• Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
• Life not only begins at forty, it also begins to show.
• You don't stop laughing because you grow old, you grow old because you stopped laughing
• What happens to a man is less significant than what happens within him.