'Tis the
season for New Year's resolutions, and
once again Inside the Beltway ...
...
offers its readers the opportunity to
tell politicians what they'd like them
to accomplish in 2004. Without further
ado:
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"I, George W. Bush, resolve to find
an appropriate military decoration
for that soldier who thought fast
enough to give Saddam Hussein my
'greetings' in his spider hole."
(Paul Sarvis, Elk Grove, Calif.)
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"I, Saddam Hussein, resolve to not
be such a procrastinator." (S.S.,
St. Louis)
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"I, George W. Bush, resolve to ban
the imports of all meat products
into the U.S." (Larry Whitehurst,
Mt. Horeb, Wis.)
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"I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to send
Al Gore a thank-you card - and a
case of steaks - for endorsing
Howard Dean." (J.S.R., Stafford,
Va.)
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"I, Howard Dean, resolve to not
blame President Bush for 'mad cow'
or for my 'foot-in-mouth' disease."
(Brian Larsson, Easton, Pa.)
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"I, Al Gore, resolve in 2004 to fix
the Internet that I invented and
make it spam-free." (Bill Petruzel,
Springfield, Va.)
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"I, George W. Bush, resolve to set
up a task force to find and
eliminate wasteful ways in the
federal government so we can offset
the national debt that I have
incurred." (CMC, Leesburg, Va.)
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"I, Joe Lieberman, resolve to stop
speaking like Elmer Fudd." (Barry
Hill, Annapolis)
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"I, every congressman and senator,
resolve to pass a bill allowing my
constituents to set my salary in the
future." (R. Umland, Summerfield,
Fla.)
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"I, Bill Clinton, resolve to have my
picture taken at least once this
year with my wife." (Dave Dahlke,
Port Orchard, Wash.)
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"I, John Kerry, resolve to reference
my Vietnam service fewer times in
2004 than there are names on the
Vietnam Memorial." (L. Berry,
Voorhees, N.J.)
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"I, Ben Chandler, Democratic nominee
for congressman of Kentucky, resolve
to stop acting like Howard Dean."
(David Adams, Nicholasville, Ky.)
Note: The Feb. 17 special election
for the 6th Congressional District
of Kentucky is the first partisan
contest this year in the United
States.
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"We, Republican Senators Olympia
Snowe and Susan Collins [both of
Maine], resolve to end the
years-long charade and place
'Democrat' after our names." (C.
Henderson, Houston)
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"I, Dick Cheney, resolve in 2004 to
get out more." (Howard M. Peace,
Asheville, N.C.)
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"I, Howard Dean, resolve to control
my seething but 'compassionate'
anger for President Bush to prevent
my head from exploding before the
November election." (J.A.L., Sewell,
N.J.)
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"I, Charles Schumer, resolve to go
to the shooting range at least twice
a month in 2004 to improve my
firearms skills." (Ken Hathaway,
Browning Arms).
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"I, Howard Dean, resolve to trust,
communicate, and work closely with
Chairman Terry McAuliffe - until
November 5, 2004." (Don Kasprzak,
Plattsburgh, N.Y.)
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"I, Dick Gephardt, resolve to remove
the words 'miserable' and 'failure'
from my vocabulary, unless of
course, I am referring to my own
campaign." (Joe Menavich, Potomac
Falls, Md.)
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"I, George W. Bush, resolve to quit
signing bills without reading them
first." (Brian McCauley, Haymarket,
Va.)
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"I, Arnold Schwarzenegger, resolve
in 2004 to correctly pronounce the
name of the state I govern." (Scott
Wance, Reston, Va.)
-
"I, John Kerry, resolve to wash my
mouth out with green or purple
ketchup the next time I use the
'F-word.' I also resolve to tell my
wife what a dumb idea artificially
colored ketchup is." (M.J.L.,
Marriottsville, Md.)
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"I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to
never again use the following terms
in the same sentence: 2000, Florida,
election and selection." (John
Casteel, Traverse City, Mich.)
-
"I, George W. Bush, resolve to veto
any bill that makes a person or
behavior or status legal that is now
illegal." (N.N., Philadelphia)
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"I, Wesley Clark, resolve to write
on the blackboard 100 times, 'Being
a bully doesn't prove anything; I
must develop integrity and moral
fiber if I want to prove how tough I
am.' " (M.J.L., Marriottsville, Md.)
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"Now that everyone knows Brits,
Italians, Bulgarians and even Thais
have died in Iraq, I, Howard Dean,
shall never again use the word
'unilateral.' " (Ali F. Sevin, Fort
Washington, Md.)
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"I, Terry McAuliffe, resolve to
embark on a career where I can be
successful." (Dave Guild, Prior
Lake, Minn.)
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"I, Tom Daschle, am deeply saddened
to resolve in 2004 my search for
stimulating rhetoric." (Marco
Cappabianca, Croton-on-Hudson, N.Y.)
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"I, John Kerry, the French-looking
Democrat senator from Massachusetts,
who by the way served in Vietnam,
resolve to get a white-sidewall,
Marine-style haircut." (Retired Air
Force Lt. Col. Harry M. Mathis,
Round Rock, Texas)
-
"I, Howard Dean, resolve to be the
candidate for conspiracy theorists,
militant pacifists, and those who
only take their foot out of their
mouth to shoot it." (Nate Coates,
Washington)
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"I, Hillary Rodham Clinton, resolve
to get a tow cable longer than
Howard Dean's cliff." (Paul Sarvis,
Elk Grove, Calif.)
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"I, Howard Dean, resolve to find a
taller cliff." (Ditto)
Submitted by Don, Hagerstown, Md.
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Sisters of St. Francis house
of Prostitution
While driving down the road, a
man sees the following sign: Sisters of St. Francis House of
Prostitution prostitution 10 miles
He thinks it was a figment of his
imagination and drives on without a second thought......soon he
sees another sign, which says: St. Francis House of Prostitution 5
miles
Suddenly, he begins to realize
that these signs are for real....then he drives past a third sign
saying Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution next right
His curiosity gets the best of
him and he pulls into the drive....on the far side of the parking
lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door
reading: S isters of St. Francis
He climbs the steps and rings the
bell....the door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who
asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"....he answers, "i saw your
signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing
business.".....
"Very well, my son. Please follow
me." ....he is led through many winding passages and is soon quite
disoriented....the nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
please knock on this door".............
He does as he is told and another
nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door.....this
nun instructs, "please place $100 in the cup, then go through the
large wooden door at the end of this hallway"....... He gets $100
out of his wallet and places it in the second nuns cup.....
He trots eagerly down the hall
and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him........ as
the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking
lot, facing another small sign:
Go in peace. You have just been
screwed by the Sisters of St. Francis . Serves you right, you
sinner.
Submitted by Jessica
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Little
Sister's Jokes,
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Finally, a Sheriff's office that is not afraid of telling the
truth.
Hats off to Kern County,
California. Gotta love it. We've all seen law enforcement cars and
their mottos, like "Protect and Serve", "Dedicated to your Safety"
and such. Now someone finally comes forth with the truth.
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Jan 5th Humor Page |
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