• Hammer - In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.
• Screwdriver - The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.
• Phillips Screwdriver - The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over $1,000. Contains twice the vodka.
• Pliers - A device used to extend your reach the necessary few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind the new wall it took you two weeks to install.
• Multi-Pliers - Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools. Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.
• Electronic Stud Finder - An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.
• Halogen Light - A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.
• Cordless Drill - A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a standard plug-in tool.
• Cordless Telephone - The handyman's 911.
• Air Compressor - A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.
• Chainsaw - Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally built completely around yourself.
• Vise Grips - A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique the job you're doing or offer advice.

Submitted by Kenneth, Shropshire, England
 

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A Scotsman was admitted to hospital at the age of 98.

The doctors confirmed his worst fears – he was dying of multiple organ failure. Both he and his wife became resigned to his imminent passing, but he told his wife he had one last request that would send him off happily.

“Love, get that wee piper to come in and play me some of those tunes we used to hear in the old country. That would be grand, I’d be smiling as I go in those pearly gates.”

So she gets permission and asks a bagpiping friend to do the honours. She waits in the canteen while the piper pipes - she doesn’t actually like the sound too much – and when he leaves she goes back to the ward. Her husband is sitting up in bed, a big smile on his face, with all the doctors and ward staff gathered around looking rather glum.

“Eh, lass, I’m feeling so much better. Oh, but that were grand. Thank you, my dear, I reckon I could go back home, I feel so well.”

“That’s marvellous,” replies his wife, “but why is everyone else so sad?”

“Well, ma’am,” says the ward sister, “I’m afraid all the other patients died.”

Submitted by Lindsey, Melbourne, Australia
 

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Three vampires walk into a bar and sit down at a table

The waitress comes over and asks the first vampire what he would like. The first vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the second vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some blood."

The waitress turns to the third vampire and asks what he would like. The vampire responds, "I vould like some plasma."

The waitress looks up and says, "Let me see if I have this order correct. You want two bloods and a blood light?"
 

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Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I'm going crazy!"

Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."

How much do you charge?" A hundred dollars per visit."

 I'll sleep on it," said Jerry.

Six months later the doctor met Jerry on the street. "Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.

Submitted by Bill, Ardmore, Pa.
 

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March 31st Humor Page